invisible

At times I feel invisible in my own life.  Perhaps this is ironic given that I'm a white, blonde-haired female living in Taiwan.  In the middle of the masses, I stand out.  But to myself, a lot of the time, I am inadequate and ordinary.  I'm really trying to get to the root of these feelings.

I can at times project confidence, put on a smile.  During these moments I even believe I'm confident. But mostly, I retreat deep inside myself, hiding from others and drawing the curtains.  It's more comfortable.  Yet, every so often I have the desire (which I hate) to peep out and try to gauge what "they" are seeing when they see me.  If they ever really do.

And this is crazy because the older I get, it seems the less I care what others think.  But lately, due to some intense self-reflecting, I realize that I am very insecure and others see this as well.  And they feed off  it.  If I think I'm weak, others will treat me this way.  It is really unattractive.

I am tired of comparing myself but still I do it nevertheless.  I've been feeling inadequate again when it comes to teaching. I feel at times like I'm a little girl playing school.  I compare myself to my co-workers, who are in their early to mid-twenties and have Master degrees.

But would a MA make me more competent?  What does more eduation mean, in the grand scheme of things?  Why do I let such trivial matters bother me?  What is wrong with me?

I realize this blog is a tad personal and normally I wouldn't post something this close to my heart for all the world to see.  But maybe it's better this way, letting it out there.  I'm tired of the repression.

I've also been thinking about continuing to teach ESL for the next four or five years while I save money and work on some personal projects.  However, at the rate my current feelings are going, I don't know if I'm meant to be an ESL teacher.  I enjoy teaching  but I want to do something that makes me come ALIVE-- as cliche as that sounds.  I'm tired of fading into the background.  I want my chance to shine, even if I don't fully know what my talents are yet.  I am tired of feeling invisible.