Saturday, April 10, 2010

me, myself, and I

I had a feeling I shouldn't but I went ahead and did it anyway. Another birthday celebration tonight—this one for a friend of a friend of a friend. Since it was a grown up “dinner dress up” party at a posh hotel in Taiwan, I thought it would be fun to attend.

Not only did I find myself in a corner most of the three hours that I stayed (though I did look pretty good if I do say so myself) I felt completely uncomfortable from the start. I realized I made a huge mistake between one acquaintance telling me I need to relax because I'm intensely wound up and one of my coworkers exclaiming quite loudly, “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Even so, this is not why I chose to up and leave the party and I'm sitting alone in my bedroom at 11 pm on a Saturday night wearing heavy eye makeup and questioning my life yet again. No—I chose to leave because looking at all the people in the room and noting those genuinely having fun and those pretending to have fun just because they felt obligated; I realized that I've never been good at feigning anything and it would have been pointless to stay.

Why am I never comfortable in group situations and why is it that, especially lately, I seem to mess up any kind of social interaction in general?

More importantly, should this matter? Should I brush it off and continue living a solitary lifestyle? Or should I use these incidents as signs that something in my personality is severely flawed and needs to be fixed?

I want to be comfortable with who I am but no one else seems to be comfortable with me.


  1. I don't find anything wrong with being true to yourself. Whether it's being solitary or outwardly appearing depressed while trying to sort through the myriad of options there are for what steps to take next in life.

    Though peer pressure says otherwise, I don't think you should feel like you need to be who someone else thinks you should be.

    I'm in my own frame of sorting out the new big picture. My wife recently commented that I'm not my normal self and understands that it's taking time to figure out what's next.

    Through that, your true friends will show as they support your choices, whether they like them or not.

    Good luck and you're welcome up to Linkou for a beer.

  2. Thank you for your comments. I agree 100% that I should not be who someone else wants me to's working through being comfortable with myself (and not questioning everything) where the problems arise. But, I'm figuring it out. I'm sure you will figure things out too.

    Thanks for the beer invite, I may have to take you up on that sometime.:)