Bamboo Butterfly

new blog

2010-11-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

Please visit Bamboo Butterfly for the new blog. :)

a crab in a bottle and other delights

2010-10-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

Things can get weird in Taiwan. Tell me again why I enjoy this place so much? Tonight at the local night market I saw a poor tortured crab stuck inside a teensy little bottle. On sale for 300NT-about 9 US dollars.

The oddities do not stop there. While I'm all too aware of the freakishly large spiders in Taiwan, I had no idea mutant wasps and bumblebees existed. Dangerous bees and wasps. I now know better than to leave my balcony door open to catch a fresh breeze after I came into the room only to find a golf-ball sized bumble bee hanging out on the window. No joke. Apparently the bees are not much to worry about-it's the wasps that are the killers. They've caused more deaths in Japan than snakes and spiders. A photo of my furry visitor:

In a few weeks this blog will have a new home. As I'm sorting out my life, dealing with turning 30, and accepting that teaching may not be my true calling, (throughout this journey, did I ever feel it really was?) I'm also trying to put myself out there and hone my writing skills.

While teaching is rough at times, the kids can be endearing and moments like this make it more than worthwhile. Some photos from today:

One other note: Though my Chinese skills are still mostly at a two-year old level, I am proud to say that I managed to haggle my way through a sale at the night market tonight. The salesman even complimented my Chinese. It went something like this:

Me, pointing to the mannequin: "How much is this dress? It is beautiful."
Him: "650 nt."
He then proceeded to show me similar dresses.
Me: something like "No more?" Pointing again at the mannequin dress. He pulled the same dress out from the rack.
Me: " I want for 500 nt."
Him: "No.(something about the dress costing 750 NT originally, I think) 550 nt."
Me: "500 nt!"
Him: "No, I can't. 550."
Me, sighing, contemplating. "Ok, 550."
Money is passed.
Him: "Your Chinese is very good."
Me: "No, it's very bad."
Him: "No, don't worry about it."
Me: "Thank you. But very bad."
He then proceeded to show me all the different ways the dress could be tied, where I got a little lost. Overall, the conversation was nothing really to be proud of but after the low-self esteem week I've been having it did make me feel slightly better.

They say at 30 and in the years that follow one tends to become completely confident of himself/herself and where he/she is in life. I wish I felt that way but I believe I'm in the process of shaping myself into the woman I want to become. It's a difficult road, filled with many potholes, many internal monsters to fight. At times I feel so weak; other moments I feel like I've come so far and should be proud of what I've accomplished. Whatever the case, this all is adding up to something.

a word about nightclubs

2010-10-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between setting foot in the door and seeing half-naked women dancing around on stage in furry thigh-high boots, I came to the realization that I'm getting too old for night clubs. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy dancing. However, the whole thing seemed a little silly and I felt slightly out of place. Perhaps the notion that I'm now thirty got to me a little but taking a good look around I felt what I've been feeling the past couple of years--night clubs are not really my thing anymore. After numerous glasses of champagne, wine, and a feeble attempt to dance around a pole, (two friends tried to con me into it) the fog machine and crowd started to get to me. I found myself inching towards the wall and back to our table.

One of the highlights of the evening-

A girl opened the door I thought I'd locked as I was using the squat toilet. The entire bathroom (there were a line of women waiting) got a good look at my bare rear. I hid in the stall for a few minutes after the incident.

Still, the night went well overall and I enjoyed seeing everyone. It did feel nice to socialize a little, even though I'm now used to being a recluse.

Next year however, I plan on doing something really laid-back and low key.

Some pictures from the night:

a new decade...

2010-10-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

It's the eve of my 30th birthday and I don't know how to feel tonight. Part of me feels like crying, another part is rejoicing for the time I've been alive.

What does turning 30 really mean? I suppose I feel like I have to act like more of a grown-up now. Get serious about the direction my life is heading. I'm slightly terrified and a little depressed. On one hand I'm happy I'm far away from home so no one is here to rub it in my face and remind me I'm now three decades old...on the other hand, it's such a big moment in my life and I'm sad I can't spend it with my family and closest friends.

To make myself feel better, I decided to compile a list of reasons why it's good to be turning 30.

1. I have lived for three decades. Some people never get the chance.

2. Even though I'm turning 30, I still do not look 30. I'm hoping when people find out my real age they'll be shocked.

3. I'm single without any children. For some people this might be horrifying but for me I'm happy that I'm at an age where I'm starting to figure out what I want and I don't have anything to tie me down. No offense to those in relationships or with children.

4. Hopefully now that I'm turning 30, people stop looking at me like I'm a child.

5. My twenties taught me a lot and I still have much to learn. I'm looking forward to the insight the next decade will bring.

Now excuse me while I go apply some wrinkle cream...:(

country roads, take me home...

2010-10-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

I am the proud owner of a scooter once again. After a few frustrating attempts at finding something that didn't look like it would break down if I sat on it, I received an e-mail from another foreigner back in Hsinchu. He gave me a good deal on his shiny red bike so I jumped at the offer. The only problem-getting it back to Puli. Of course, I'd been wanting to do a semi-cross country scooter trip for some time so I went out to Hsinchu with the intent of driving all the way back here.

Some people thought I'd gone crazy. I got basic directions from my boss. My expat friend in Hsinchu attempted to explain how to find the provincial highway that would start me on my journey and his wife wrote a note in Chinese: please help this foreigner find highway 3. She took one look at the scooter, laughed, and insisted it would take 6 or 7 hours to reach my destination.

I said a prayer when I woke. I left my hotel in Hsinchu at 3:30 am, a smile on my face despite the protests of the doorman. "Too early," he warned. He looked extremely concerned but I assured him I'd be fine.

I could not find provincial highway 3.

I bothered a poor lady riding her scooter. She had two giant bags full of cans and looked terrified when I opened my mouth. After listening to me maul the Chinese language for a few moments she gestured for me to follow her. Happily, I complied. I thought she was leading the way to my destination but my heart sank when she pulled over alongside the police station. One security guard quickly turned into three. He had to call his friends for back-up. More attempts at speaking bad Chinese followed; I understood some of what they were saying said but to my utter shame I could not reply. The bag lady got on the phone with her friend and said something like "This foreigner wants to drive to Puli by herself. She can't speak Chinese and has no Chinese friend." They kept laughing at the fact that I wanted to drive so 'far'.

Finally, after I said "I want go" in Chinese and pointed to the highway 3 symbol about ten times, someone figured it out. One of the guards hopped on his scooter and I followed him for about 30 minutes. He then grabbed my notebook and wrote what I could only assume translated to "Help this crazy white girl get to Puli," said a bunch of stuff I didn't understand, and made a hand gesture at provincial highway 3. I thanked him, grinned, and set off. I do have to say the Taiwanese can be extremely helpful sometimes. I hope we'd be as kind back in the states.

The first two hours of the drive were the most difficult. Cold air, dark roads, solitary traveler. Despite being a little nervous, I marveled at the experience. With the rising of the sun, beautiful landscapes began to unfold before my eyes-a whole new Taiwan, a whole new world. Aside from a few crazy drivers and a weird squeaking bat-like animal, the drive went well. I stopped to take pictures when I reached enchanting highway 21. It winds through the mountains and looks totally Asian.:) Not a place to drive fast though, lots of twists and turns.

The total journey took about five hours. I arrived in Puli with an aching body and a feeling of deep satisfaction; I felt amazed with Taiwan and even more amazed with myself.

Yes, I am bragging. In the not-so distant past I feared driving alone in corn fields. I used to think about horrible things happening to me and I'd give myself anxiety attacks. Now I'm driving mopeds on lonely mountain roads in a non-English speaking country. I've come a long way and I hope this boldness continues to take me to new, enlightening places.

Hello Waiguoren

2010-09-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

I felt really noticeable today. This isn't a good thing. Walking down the street on a quest for a smoothie attracted a lot of unwanted attention. Gawks, stares. Probably people shouting "Look at the foreigner!" I couldn't tell because I walked with my ipod turned up. After living in Taiwan for a year, you'd think this type of thing wouldn't phase me. Maybe it's because I've been feeling on edge the last few days. Startled easily, etc. Not sure why.

Usually Taiwanese are really polite but today seemed different. I felt intrusive. Really foreign.

Now I know most people are just curious about me and why I'm here. Sometimes I also get the impression they perceive me as a rich American girl on holiday. The rich part's funny but little do they know I'm on a quest for my life purpose. Most likely I'm wrong about them thinking anything and just being paranoid.

Being able to live in this part of Taiwan is a blessing but I'll have to find something more productive to do so I'm not sitting around dwelling on useless things so much.

Speaking of which, I just started a new blog over at WordPress-mostly for writing short stories and poems. WordPress is a little more complicated and restrictive than blogger so my writing site will take some time to perfect. Here's the link, if anyone is interested...Moon Sprung.

Another weekend, coming to a close. Less than 2 weeks left till my birthday.

Photos from my walk:

whatever you want to be...

2010-09-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight I attended a Moon Festival gathering at a Thai restaurant with my bosses and it was quite interesting. I met a Frenchman married to an expat from Burma whose two sisters run the restaurant here in Puli.
Intriguing people. The Frenchman's children speak fluent French and Chinese. They speak decent English and Taiwanese too. Wow, those kids are set for life. I'd love to master just one foreign language let alone four. I wonder if they speak Burmese as well, seeing as their mother and her two sisters are Burmese.

One of the sisters sat down and told us how growing up in Burma, her father told them they had a choice of either cooking or studying. Whichever they chose they had to give their full attention to but he gave them these options without pressure. From what she conveyed he seemed pretty laid back about the whole thing. He didn't emphasize one over the other, instead he let them live with whatever choice they made.

This is interesting. In America, growing up we are told we have endless choices, endless opportunities. We can become whatever we wish to be... at a price. How many times do people stress and agonize over where they are in their lives, what they don't have, what they should have done? Even though there is freedom of choice it's accompanied by intense pressure. Pressure to succeed, to live up to what society's definition of The American Dream or true "success" is.

How many of us actually live with our choices and feel contentment?

I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this. Maybe one day I'll know.

The moon is a little spooky tonight...perfect for Moon Festival.

a typhoon of change...

2010-09-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

Typhoon Fanapi may have moved on from Taiwan but in its wake it left Puli with some massively powerful winds. My curtain rod has fallen down 3 times and I keep hearing things crashing outside. Aside from those noises it's eerily silent, no dogs barking tonight.

I like it. As I watch my curtains whirl around in the gusts, my creative juices start flowing. I'm so inspired and yet it's still hard to retain focus. I'm anxiously waiting for my creativity to take off again, for that confidence I need to start soaring. Things must change soon, they have to. And I need to remain committed to my self-growth.

movement

2010-09-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

As my legs ache and I can barely move, I'm thinking how fortunate I am to find myself in this city. It's a lovely place, the air is filled with the fragrant flowers of the betel nut palms, and tonight I actually saw stars. Stars! I can't remember the last time I saw stars in Taiwan, certainly not in Hsinchu.

Feeling slightly like a grandma, I rode the bike my boss donated to me (it even has a basket, which actually is pretty useful) all over the city this weekend. Most of the time I didn't know where I was going but I still ended up exactly where I needed to be. Yesterday I just rode, felt instinct guiding me. And I ended up at a beautiful Buddhist monastery called Lingyen Mountain Temple. The scenery there was quite breathaking; even moreso were the kind monks that greeted me with happiness radiating from their faces. I spent some time walking around the grounds listening to the hundred or so monks chanting as they knelt in the great hall in prayer. The sound of their uplifted voices brought tears to my eyes and I could barely pull myself away; however it started to thunder and I figured I'd better get going before I got caught on the country roads in the downpour.

I completed round two today, driving almost 3 hours around most of the city. I'd wanted to go to Sun Moon Lake for the swimming festival but after walking all the way to the bus station none of the buses were running there and the taxi drivers refused to take me due to the traffic flow. So I decided to just hop back onto the grandma bike. I traveled around the perimeter of the city and ended up in some tiny little village complete with fields of water bamboo and stinky smelling swamp water. At one point I drove down a rocky trail and a pack of wild dogs came out of nowhere, proceeding to scare the crap out of me as they chased after the bike. These dogs were nothing like the friendly stray I encountered on my walk this morning. This beautiful dog wouldn't leave me alone.:) A picture of the friendly pup:

Back to my adventure:

I escaped onto another road, but first I had to get off the bike, cross over a stinky swamp puddle and push through some weeds (my pants had all these burr-like things stuck in them and ever since I've been really itchy) and roll forward with slight trepidation as I continued to hear dogs bark nearby. I went further into the little village.

People there looked at me like I was another life form; I plan on going back with a scooter in the near future. The smells of the flowers were amazing and I got to witness a lot of the locals hard at work in their fields.

Random images from my bike ride today:

Tonight I'm feeling like I'm moving closer than ever to my calling. As I rode the bike today, peace filled my heart as I reflected on how lucky I am to have this experience. I don't know what's going to happen over the coming months but whatever the case, this has been magical. I'm seeing things I once only dreamt of. If these dreams came true, perhaps others will as well.

echoes

2010-09-10T12:51:00.000-07:00

Sleep evades me. Again.

It's three thirty am and I'm haunted by echoes of the past. I'm trying to quiet my mind but can't stop tossing and turning.

Outside the night is quiet, except for an occasional car/scooter driving by or the stray dog pack making their annoying nightly noises. There is one dog in particular, he has such a unique, haunting howl. I want to be angry at him for waking me up but his loud bark always dissolves into this mournful baying. A few days ago, I went out onto my balcony and saw him for the first time. He stood at the edge of a parking lot calling his friends. Didn't look like too many were coming. He resembles a large red fox.

There's something about the howls of dogs and wolves that gets to me.

some days...

2010-09-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like a fraud. Am I really a teacher? Much of the time, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. While the past year teaching on this island has taught me a lot, I have to say I'm still not totally comfortable in teacher-mode, particularly with older students. I thought I had the younger classes pretty much under control but my boss proved me wrong tonight.

I agreed to teach an additional Tuesday night class but asked to observe my boss's teaching style for this one night. I ate something today that gave me stomach problems so for most of the class I sat there looking like a log, taking notes. At one point he asked me to take over and I politely told him I wasn't feeling up to par and preferred to watch. But then I felt guilty because he said he wanted to take a smoking break. Ok, so I took over the class, he went out, I thought things were going along.

I'd say a word with a specific short vowel sound, and they'd write it. Like cat, pet, pig, etc. My boss came back in and watched me a moment or two, then told me I was adding an "uh" sound to the end of some of my words. WOW. Talk about embarrassing, especially since this is something we're supposed to lecture the kids about all the time.

When teaching the alphabet sounds, with some letters we say "GGG guh guh guh" and sometimes the kids tack those sounds on to the ends of words. Like with bag, sometimes they'll say "baguh." Anyway, I must have picked up the habit from my previous job. Horrified, I realized I did it more than once during the lesson.

I felt pretty stupid, especially when he said he was going to come again next Tuesday and watch. Maybe it's time to change my profession.

While I do enjoy teaching and working with kids, I hope I find my true calling within the next couple years. I love this city so far and I could see myself staying with this school for possibly more than a year (if I don't get fired) but I know that something bigger awaits. I hope.

Taiwan part II: Puli

2010-09-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since I've posted. My last few days in Hsinchu were bittersweet and I'll never forget A1 school, my kids, the wonderful people I met along the way. My year in the windy city of Taiwan taught me a lot about myself and left me with a greater perspective of the world in general.

After saying goodbye I flew home to the states. Spent a week in SF where I had another unforgettable time with a friend. We swam with dolphins, gorged on western food, I faced some difficult truths.
Then it was home to Chicago. I ate more food (gained about 4 kg which I've mostly lost since being back in Taiwan) spent some quality time with my mother, and realized that no matter how much I love my family I most likely will never live in Chicago again. So it's strange that I call Chicago "home" when at the moment I don't really know where "home" is. I never really felt connected to that area. The only things tying me there were family and friends. It was hard saying goodbye, though a little easier this time around.

I returned to Taiwan a few days ago. My new adventure begins in Puli, a city in central Taiwan. Nantou county. It's a lovely place and small for a city in Taiwan. Some pluses: fresh air, mountain views, birds actually chirping!:) A negative is that the apartments are not furnished, not even refrigerators. I don't really feel like spending a ton of money on furniture that I won't be able to sell when I leave, though I may be here for more than a year. So I'm typing this from my echoing apartment.:) It has a lovely view of the mountains though.

The other day I came home and thought I saw a spider, but it was just a harmless gecko. I've seen him twice now and I'm going to let him stay because I hear they eat mosquitoes and he's cute.

I've been working two days now and the new job is great, though a little tiring. Teach five different classes ranging in age from about 6-13 or 14. I'm sure once I get a feel for the students I'll be fine.:) My new bosses are very helpful and nice.

Being one of the only foreigners in this city, so far people look at me like I'm a ghost. I actually heard a woman semi-shriek the other day as I walked by. Sitting on her scooter, she made a slightly horrified sound and jostled someone who I assume was her husband. Pretending not to notice, I walked on.

This time around I hope to learn more Chinese. The guy who came to set up internet in my apartment tried to have multiple conversations with me until he turned red and told someone on the phone "This foreigner doesn't understand." Though I was slightly embarrassed I felt good about the fact that I did understand some of what he was saying. The problem often lies in knowing how to respond.

This time around, I hope to become a better teacher and get closer to my students. I hope to grow more spiritually and trust this path leads to my true calling.

This time around, I will remind myself how blessed I am for this opportunity and try not to take things for granted.

breathe in, breathe out...

2010-07-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

2.5 weeks left in Hsinchu. I have mixed feelings right now. I'm so grateful for this past year in Taiwan. Overall this experience has made me much stronger. I've learned a lot about the world and about myself. I'll miss my kids and my school. Perhaps I'll one day even miss the crowds, the sounds, and the smells of this city.

As I drove my scooter through afternoon traffic today, I thought back to a few months ago when I was "terrified of navigating out into the masses for fear of running a crowd of pedestrians down."

Most of the things we fear never come true, or at least turn out not as painful as we imagined.

So the question is...why now...after all these small victories, do the fears persist and try to loom into some monster? Some would say being this anxious, I should just stay in the states, close to family. But the truth is- being in Taiwan I'm feeling closer to the healing process than ever before. Through it all I have felt the hand of God leading me. I believe I have to turn this completely over to him and trust I'm exactly where he wants me to be. My Taiwan story isn't over yet. In some ways I feel it's just begun.

it's all come down to this...

2010-07-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

So tonight I've decided to do something different. Through the writing of this blog I've been repressing loads of feelings. I guess I felt that this should be more like a travel blog, giving information about Taiwan (though I've deviated from that quite a lot, haha) instead of intricate details about about my life. But the truth is, this blog is about a journey.

I can't hold back any longer.

Confession #1

For a vast number of years I've suspected I've had some type of anxiety disorder. I also suspect I know what it is, (though I really hate labels) but until I get an official diagnosis (which I've yet to do) I won't put it in words here. Instead, let's just say that I've my ups and downs with it. Coming to Taiwan was an attempt to get over some of the fear. And for awhile, it helped. I was growing stronger, braver. Confident. For one of the first times in my life, I felt really confident. I felt happy.

I don't know if it's the stress of the future, reminders of the past, or worries about the present, but my anxiety has come back full-force, stronger than ever before. It's messing with my head. I don't feel like myself, I feel out of it, on the verge of something-maybe a breakdown??? This is one of my lowest moments when it should be one of my highest!!! I keep thinking about how people lose their minds and I pray to God this isn't happening to me.

I suppose this is all my anxiety. At least I hope it is. I know I have to be strong, and think of the positive things that are happening in my life.

I got a job in Nantou for the start of the fall and I'm really excited about it! I'll be closer to the mountains, away from the city. More time to reflect. Hopefully my future employer never sees this blog, haha.:)

Moving to the middle of nowhere could be a bad thing for someone like me-someone who lives too much inside their own head. However, I believe that it's meant to be and I think I'll be very happy at my new school. The owners seem really nice and I'm excited about the prospect of taking up photography and venturing into the field of serious writing. I am tired of living in the city.

Confession #2

It seems that when I get too close to a guy (which has only happened one other time in my life) things go out of whack until a certain level of reassurance is reached. I start the whole crap-cycle of self-doubt and pulling up every possible thing that could be wrong with me. It's almost as if I present my worst self. Why is this?!!! I don't know why I torture myself this way. It's almost as if I want to justify the reasons why I should be alone, why I shouldn't get close to anyone. And I've felt over the past year I've grown really close to someone; someone who I'm so grateful for but worry about pushing away with my fears.

But I realize, in truth, if this were to happen - life would go on. As I told a coworker today, being alone isn't the worst thing in the world, there are much worse things I suppose. Sometimes the quiet life of a nun-like woman sounds so appealing to me.

Confession #3

This may seem miniscule but I have been hiding from quite a number of people the fact that I got a tattoo when my brother was in Taiwan. I had been thinking about getting a tattoo for awhile, and one night after he decided to do so, I joyfully joined in and had something etched into my skin. At first I was elated. However, after a few days my neurotic side set in and I freaked out, realizing this THING was forever on my body. For some reason I started freaking out about the translation and had it confirmed...my tattoo didn't read quite exactly what I'd wanted it to. My well-meaning Taiwanese friend had translated it wrong.

So instead of "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly" being transcribed, I have "What is the end of a caterpillar's world? Those who can govern their lives call it a butterfly."

This seriously depressed me. Ridiculous? Perhaps. But the original quote had meant so much to me...it's been a mantra of sorts as I march on in this life.

I decided to look into laser removal on the lettering. I had one session (was slightly painful) and haven't seen much fading. Decided to keep the butterfly and who knows, I may keep the text now too.

So there it is. I haven't felt like blogging much lately because my thoughts are so jumbled and I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be at the end of my first year in Taiwan. Stronger in some ways, more fearful in others. I guess I thought this place would fix everything.

I'm hoping this is just part of the process...and not a descent into lala land.

Until next time.

countdown...

2010-06-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

I'm overly excited for my visit back to the states. I'm sure after a few weeks I'll be in a hurry to get back to Taiwan, but for now, I'm growing a little impatient.:)

It's bittersweet. The sad thing is that there's a good chance I may never see any of my children again. I can only hope and pray that they have wonderful lives waiting for them. In about a week the classes change, so most of my current students will move. So basically, it's like I'm saying goodbye then, even though I'll see them around the school for another month. It's going to be very hard not to cry when I say goodbye to my youngest but I'll try my best to avoid it.

I've been very emotional lately...I went to see Toy Story 3 the other day and started tearing up at the end!!

Random funny moment in class:

Naughty junior high class, last Friday. One of my most challenging students interrupted my class to say:

"Teacher. In Taiwan a bad man will wear a long black coat. He will open his black coat and show you his penis. You should yell at him and say 'It's so small!' And he will get mad and run away!"

Me: "That's not appropriate to talk about in class."

Student: "But teacher. I'm just trying to teach you how to protect yourself."

Never a dull moment. :)

Some pictures from around Hsinchu:

Return of the Dragon Boat Festival

2010-06-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

This year has flown by. Some days it seems like I just arrived in Taiwan. I remember shortly after arriving last year I attended my first Dragon Boat Festival in Taipei. This year I went with two of my coworkers to the Nanliao festival.

Much smaller than the Taipei event, it was still nice. I ate an Indian burrito, some Gan Mian (dry noodles) and pizza. I'm not too fond of the rice dumplings that are so popular this time of year. The story behind the festival is kind of morbid (click on the link above to view the history) but the boat races are entertaining and as it's a National holiday the locals are in good spirits.

Passing my one year mark here has brought about another episode of intense reflection and musing relating to where I'm going with my life (not that I don't think too much, like all the time) but I still believe I'm supposed to come back to Taiwan for an indeterminate amount of time.

Some pictures from the day:

Fun with Gua Sha

2010-06-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

Well let me just say that the Thai massage place somewhat shocked me Friday night. The few times I've been there the massages have been great. Last time the woman was a little rough but I initially thought that the girl doing it this time would be gentle and I'd be in for a completely relaxing massage.

Wrong!

While much of it was great, she used a new massage technique that somewhat freaked me out and was painful. I don't care what the websites say, it is painful having your back forcefully combed. I found out today that it is called Gua Sha 刮痧.

She used oil so it was tolerable but at a couple of points I felt the plastic tool scraping against my bone and muscle and couldn't help but tense up. Still, I have to say that I believe it does work. That night and all day Saturday I felt feverish and I do believe it was helping clear toxins out of my system. Would I do it again? Probably not. But I'm open to trying. I thought that techniques such as this were done solely by TCM practitioners but apparently I was wrong. Ahh well. Another experience!

A picture of my back after the treatment:

Taiwan, 我爱你 (I love you)...

2010-06-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

but I am looking forward to the break in a couple months. It will be weird to be back in the states but as the time approaches I find myself looking forward to it more than ever. It will be really good to see my family.

My students have been fun the past couple days.

Yesterday, the children in my deviant class informed me (spontaneously interrupting our reading of Charlotte's Web) of an ancient marriage custom in China. Apparently at one time a prospective bride had to toss some sort of ball backwards through the air into a throng of eager men. Whichever man caught the thing would be her husband. It did not matter if the man was hideous; she had to marry whomever caught the ball. Against her will. My students claimed this was only done in China, not Taiwan.

They were quick to state that their marriage customs here were quite similar to western culture...where the bride throws the bouquet of flowers. However, they seem to think that whomever catches the flowers MUST get married next. Like it's some law or something. I told them happily that T. Rhonda wants to run away from the flower tossings, not towards them.

This led into a somewhat lengthy discussion about T. Rhonda's marriage options, other wedding customs, and also I told them in a rated-G way about the groom tossing the garter. I didn't even use the word garter...I drew some pathetic looking hair ribbon on the board. And I made it seem like the bride took it off her calf and handed it to the groom to throw to his friends.

I don't know how much of this made sense. They probably now think that the woman who catches the bouquet and the man who catches the "bow"(garter) must get married.

My little kids have been just as amusing.

One of my favorite students hopped out of her seat today, pointed to a date on the calendar next month, and said "This day so bad!!!" She was pointing to my last day of work.

Later some students told me mournfully that their new teacher is not going to "make stuff" with them and I like to "make stuff." Every Tuesday I only have a few of them in class so we create some kind of project. Today we made a paper castle for the wall. We colored pictures of an elf, fairy, knight, dragon, king, queen, etc. I had them write the words and we stuck the pictures all over the castle. The boys were a little upset because they wanted to make a moat filled with leeches (they just learned the word leech last week) but I told them we'd have to wait. Overall, they were quite pleased with their handiwork.

I caught some of my older students examining it intently later. Of course they pretended like they hated it when I asked them if they liked the new addition to the classroom.:)

I will miss them all, even the naughty ones.

take my breath away

2010-05-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

Something is in the air. Taiwan takes my breath away...in more ways than one. Just got back from the store and my lungs are having trouble...that time of year again. It's been raining a lot but it's also humid and the onset of the summer pollution is about to hit. I woke up with a sore throat and have the beginnings of another dreaded respiratory infection. Early combat time...stopped into a little restaurant this morning and ordered stewed chicken in herbal broth. I did not eat the chicken.

Chicken soup here is not like chicken soup back in the states, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. You never know which parts of the chicken you're getting and more often than not you see bones, fat, and creepy odds and ends floating around in the broth. In my limited experience the broth has always been delicious but any attempts at eating the spongy animal parts have failed.:/

Exactly 8 more weeks and I'm on a plane back to the states. Hard to believe. I feel there's so much left undiscovered, which is why I want to come back in September. There's a reason why I'm supposed to be here...this past year has taught me a lot but there's still much more to learn.

a whole new Taiwan...

2010-05-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

Well, seeing my brother after a year was an awesome and emotional experience. Time has once again flown however; my brother and his lady headed back to Chicago yesterday. We had a fantastic time though. Luckily I was able to take a couple days off work and I showed them around Taipei and a few other places. Some interesting (and slightly traumatic *for me*) events transpired in Ximen but those events will be disclosed in another blog, someday. I'll keep everyone waiting with anticipation...lol.

We also journeyed to Hualien and Taroko Gorge and I must say, the area is a completely different Taiwan. I fell in love and now I don't know how I'll ever be able to live in Hsinchu or Taipei for another year if I come back in the fall. The pace of life is different, people are friendlier, there are traffic rules that are actually OBEYED. But the thing that got me the most...the close proximity to the Pacific ocean, the quiet, and the beautiful mountains. The perfect place to embark on the sequel of my Taiwan story.

So the job search begins...

Some pictures from the past couple weeks:

little pieces of happiness

2010-05-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

3 more days until my brother and his lovely girlfriend arrive! I can't explain how good I'm feeling right now...it's been almost a year since I've seen anyone in my family and I can't wait to share my little world in Taiwan with them.

A lot has been unfolding the past few days. I have a few job prospects on the horizon to think about, but for now I'm just focusing on the next couple of weeks.

My youngest kids are really pulling at my heartstrings. I realize I only have a couple more months left with them. The other day I attempted to explain the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. During a game of verb memory, my sweet little Joyce said "Teacher, my mama's mama went to the sky. Not because of the black (she was referring to the oil we had discussed about an hour earlier). She was old. Ten-thousand years-old."

Joyce

I am going to miss them so much.

Other news:

Since the new teachers don't have scooters yet, I've been taking their laundry along with mine. This morning I carried two huge bags back from the laundromat on my scooter and felt more Taiwanese than ever before.

I'm loving this song today. It's dedicated to a very special friend of mine. You know who you are...

Goodnight world...

fun with flour, statue adventures, mutant spider strikes again

2010-05-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

It was a perfect weekend to get back in touch with my inner child...(not that she's ever really left).

On Saturday I went with a few co-workers to a Taiwan flour fight. In order to find the beach where the fight was being held, we had to follow some covertly placed arrows across an interstate and up a beach hill, into a delightful foresty area, (with a somewhat traumatizing venture into a bug-laden bush for a bathroom break) and down onto a pretty vacant and pretty cool beach. About 100 people showed up and engaged in a bout of great childish fun...I got hit in the eyes twice and my hair turned to straw after all was said and done but I'd be one of the first people to line up and do it again.

After the damage, we stepped into the ocean to clean ourselves up, picking the flour off as it turned to dough. I pulled flour out of my hair for hours after the fight.:)

On Sunday I went with a couple of people to Guqifeng (sounds like Goo Chee Fung)...a place I've blogged about and been to before-though I didn't know the name at the time. It's a temple/statue collection/museum in Hsinchu. This time my inner child also took control and I couldn't resist climbing all over the weird statues that dotted the grounds. I even convinced my co-worker to join me. In the states, such behavior would not be tolerated and we'd have been thrown out of the place. A few pictures from the day:

At the end of our visit, I ventured into the bathrooms. There were 8 empty stalls and I picked the one with the semi-closed door because the squat toilet looked the cleanest. As I stood up to pull the rope to flush the toilet, my hand almost brushed against this:

I screamed and fled the stall, only to come back (cautiously) a moment later and snap this picture. Horrified, I ran outside and told my co-workers to come look at the thing. Someone told me yesterday I'm like a mutant spider magnet and I'd have to agree. There are people who've lived here for years without managing to see one of these beasts and I've had the pleasure of seeing at least five since I arrived in Hsinchu. With the onset of the ultra-humid weather, it's time to start barricading the bedroom doors again!

Overall-fun weekend and lots of great memories. I'm just glad the spider didn't fall on my head.

thankful

2010-04-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night and I'm feeling pretty good. My MRI came back completely normal. In fact, the Neurologist told me I have a "perfect brain" and chalked my weird experience (which I hope never happens again!) up to a migraine aura without headache. Seeing my brain on screen was intriguing. While the testing was stressful, the section of the hospital itself was amazing. I felt very spoiled (even though I was paying for the visit out of pocket and it wasn't exactly cheap) and I could tell most of the patients were well-off Taiwanese citizens. I felt a little awkward. Everyone was of course, staring at the waiguoren (foreigner) in the room.

I was given breakfast and lunch (with multiple options) and a pink sweatsuit (which I had to wear during the visit). At the end of the visit, the Neurologist sat down with me for a lengthy discussion about my health and a slide show of my brain and its blood vessels.

Some interesting things I found out:

I have a deviated septum. It looked really funny in the pictures. The doctor asked me if I had broken my nose before. Never, so that's a mystery.

I also have a small blockage in my carotid artery which the doctor thinks has nothing to do with my eating habits (my cholesterol was good) but more from being around second-hand smoke. He said not to worry about it and just keep up with a healthy lifestyle.

Going through this experience has made me reflect again on fragile life can be. I'm going to try my hardest to be positive and not take my time on this planet for granted. I'm also more motivated now to get back on track with the goals for my life.

waiting...

2010-04-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Waiting for a specific day to come can be torturous. I am eagerly waiting for my brother and his lovely lady to arrive on May 9th.

But in the interim, I have a high-tech MRI scheduled for early Saturday morning in Taipei. It's been chaos this week with doctors visits and trying to reassure my boss I'm not dying. Apparently it's difficult to obtain an MRI here unless the doctors think it's absolutely necessary...so now I set up an appointment at an International hospital. I'll have to foot the bill but it's still a lot cheaper than it would be back home.

So my brain will be scanned...I'm pretty nervous. I'm afraid of what they may find. But no matter what, I know God is with me. I came across a really cool quote today which says:

"No matter how steep the mountain - the Lord is going to climb it with you."

And with that, I have the courage to venture forward.

Thai massage haven in Hsinchu

2010-04-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

*Saturday update*

I have been eyeing this Thai massage place for awhile now and decided to give it a try tonight. Two hours of pure joy! I feel great, even though still a little foggy. The women were thrilled with my Thai purse and kept speaking to me in a mix of Thai and Chinese, with a rare English word thrown in. I had a great time and I will definitely be visiting again in the near future. Two hours of Thai massage beats hanging around in pubs with lecherous men lurking about any day!:)

seeing auras...what next....?

2010-04-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

My plans for a magical weekend in Taipei have to be postponed until I see the doctor and figure out what's up with the magic show in my brain.

I started feeling funny while teaching yesterday. Intensely stressed, and then kind of out of it. When I stood up to leave class for break, my vision became blurry. By the time I got to the office I could hardly see with all the crazy activity taking place before my eyes. Spots, snow-spots (like when you turn to a blank channel on tv), rainbow colored zigzags twirling around and lightning flashes. I could hear my co-workers but it felt like I was in a tunnel...first thing I thought was "I'm having a stroke."

Felt very weak, co worker had to lead me back downstairs. Two of the women I work with took me to the hospital. The magic show subsided after about 20 minutes and came back briefly later. However, I'm still feeling a little out of it and I have a mild headache as well. It was the most terrifying thing I ever experienced and I hope it never happens again.

At the hospital I had blood and eye tests. They tactfully told me "Oh, it's a problem in your brain." They did a CT scan. Said everything appears normal and they're going to send me to a neurologist next week. I feel like a freak...my boss called me while I was there and asked me questions about hitting my head when I was younger...since the doctors told her it must be a brain problem too.

So it's not a tumor. That leaves blood clot, migraines with auras without the headache (really weird phenomenon) or insanity. I'm truly worried this is a slow descent into insanity.

However, the event scared me so much that it kinda put things in perspective. I need to really crack down and prioritize what needs to be done in my life. My anxiety needs to get under control once more. Yoga, acupuncture will ensue. I need to stop worrying about useless things like what other people are thinking. I need to avoid all potential romantic relationships right now because it seems they just interfere with my healing process and inject more stress into my brain. I need to take those classes I want to take. Most of all, I need to get back in tune with God.

I also have not studied Chinese seriously in almost two months. While it can be stressful, I was happier back when I was trying to memorize flashcards and not dwelling on stupid things.

Life is short...yesterday reminded me of that. We only have so much time to make things right and to make the best of our lives. It's something all of us need to experience now and then. While I hope nothing serious is going on in my body, I'm grateful I've been given another day. And a reminder that NOW not later, is the time to change.

grateful for...(that time again):)

2010-04-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

papaya milk smoothies, avocado pudding smoothies, mango smoothies, green tea, plum green tea, yogurt green tea, passionfruit green tea, milk bubble tea, oolong tea, watermelon juice, strawberry juice. 100 ways of eating tofu, including plain tofu skins. Eggplant with garlic. Fried egg rice. The noodle stand down the street. (Though I've been avoiding it lately). Late night street vendors. Taiwanese pastries. Food on every corner, anytime, anywhere- in Taiwan.

The way my younger kids hide under their desks in the morning, popping out as I enter the room and feign fright.
Random little gifts they give me...a seashell stamp here, a sticker there, a piece of chocolate.

Mr. Bubbles laundromat. The mountains, being surrounded by the ocean on all sides (though I haven't explored these natural beauties as much as I've wanted to).
Being able to live in a country where I can babble about as much as a two-year old and still am respected as an adult.

(though I'm sure many, many people have laughed behind my back!)

Learning a new way of life. Sometimes it's insanity, sometimes it makes more sense.
I've removed the rose-colored glasses but I still am grateful for this journey.

mission accomplished

2010-04-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

I miss driving. I miss pressing my foot against the accelerator and listening to music; driving used to help ease stress. So I decided to get a little aggressive with the scooter...

I've been thinking about visiting the dragon temple a little ways up the mountain for awhile now so I figured what better night to drive there than tonight? I hopped onto my bike, maneuvered my way through the scary tunnel, ventured forth. One of my favorite smells (aside from the smell of the sea) is the smell of mountain air. It's especially grand smelling it while riding a scooter as the wind brushes against your body.

I didn't have to drive far before I caught the outline of the colorful dragon heads in the darkness. The place was eerily quiet and vacant and one could easily imagine all sorts of ghosts lurking about.

It's much more impressive by daylight but here are a few photos:

Emboldened (and feeling quite sexy as an attractive Taiwanese man slowed his bike down to greet me) I climbed back onto my scooter and headed further up the mountain, though somewhat cautiously as it was my first time going around such sharp turns. To be honest, the mountain isn't very big at all so it wasn't that much of a challenge.

I drove for awhile and tried to find the swimming pool in the shadows. No such luck.
I'll have to go back again soon.

Driving in late evening or early morning hours seems to calm my nerves. It's also giving me confidence to venture out further and further on the scooter. A month or two ago I was terrified of driving down the street to do my laundry; now I'm making my way up mountains. It's amazing what people are capable of when they put fear aside and step forward with faith. While I still have a long ways to go, I'm proud of myself.

me, myself, and I

2010-04-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

I had a feeling I shouldn't but I went ahead and did it anyway. Another birthday celebration tonight—this one for a friend of a friend of a friend. Since it was a grown up “dinner dress up” party at a posh hotel in Taiwan, I thought it would be fun to attend.

Not only did I find myself in a corner most of the three hours that I stayed (though I did look pretty good if I do say so myself) I felt completely uncomfortable from the start. I realized I made a huge mistake between one acquaintance telling me I need to relax because I'm intensely wound up and one of my coworkers exclaiming quite loudly, “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Even so, this is not why I chose to up and leave the party and I'm sitting alone in my bedroom at 11 pm on a Saturday night wearing heavy eye makeup and questioning my life yet again. No—I chose to leave because looking at all the people in the room and noting those genuinely having fun and those pretending to have fun just because they felt obligated; I realized that I've never been good at feigning anything and it would have been pointless to stay.

Why am I never comfortable in group situations and why is it that, especially lately, I seem to mess up any kind of social interaction in general?

More importantly, should this matter? Should I brush it off and continue living a solitary lifestyle? Or should I use these incidents as signs that something in my personality is severely flawed and needs to be fixed?

I want to be comfortable with who I am but no one else seems to be comfortable with me.

getting too old for this...

2010-04-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

I will admit that last night I was on a mission. What happened should come as no surprise. A mission to forget my anxiety issues, to block out painful self-condemnation. Some fellow ex-pats were celebrating their birthdays so I attended a group birthday party and ended up making a huge fool of myself. People said my behavior was amusing but after analyzing it today I find it extremely alarming that I can't remember much of what happened. In the past, I have always been aware of everything going on around myself when drinking; I've always been the first to criticize those who say "But I didn't know what I was doing."

Why I'm even blogging about this, I don't know. Obviously I do know that using alcohol as a means of escapism is not healthy. All along, I've wanted to use my time here to focus more on spiritual aspects of my life. In a way, I feel like I'm selling out...or something.

The pressure inside has been almost too much to bear. But isn't this what has to happen? The caterpillar must die inside the cocoon before turning into the beautiful butterfly.

One day, I know I'll understand.

lifeline

2010-04-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

I won't lie and try to cover up the truth. After feeling pretty good for the most part during this past year in Taiwan; I've sunk into a somewhat deep depression and anxiety I thought I'd done away with. It's very difficult to talk about this so I won't delve that much into my issues. I had been feeling pretty positive in general but an incident set off all my old doubts/fears/insecurities. I've been trying to break out of this bleak mood the past few days...I think I may have to find an acupuncturist here to see if it will help things.

My old acupuncturist told me I had stagnant kidney chi (which can cause depression and anxiety disorders) and a weak heart...after a few sessions last year I felt much better.

I realize alot of my self-doubt and depression comes from feeling like I'm not good enough for others. I've always struggled with guilt and feeling like I'm this terrible person, even though deep down I know I'm good and others have told me this as well. Sometimes I wonder if it's part of the reason I want to travel and stay away...so I don't have to be close to anyone. I don't want to burden anyone else with my issues, yet sometimes it's really hard not to have anyone to talk to. Thankfully I am blessed with a wonderful mother and my special friend in California (Should I call you angel B?)who is always there when I need to talk, even if he is dealing with his own torments. He still listens. I am so grateful for him.

Still, I'm beginning to think it's better to just deal with things solo, with God as my guide and my only counselor. I have to believe that time and faith will heal it all.

So I've noticed a trend here in Taiwan...

Very seldom do I see older, married couples showing much affection in public. Except for a wonderful couple I saw on a train one day, peacefully falling asleep in each other's arms.

When it comes to young unmarried couples, it's an entirely different story.
The women grip onto the men as if the men are their lifelines...as if they aren't capable of standing on their own two feet. One false move, one dropped hand, and the women will shatter.

Is it a seduction technique? Do they feign weakness because the men find it sexy? I've noticed however that the men can be just as intense at times. I understand that Taiwan can be a chaotic place so maybe they have no choice but to act this way...rocks for eachother, lifelines amid the millions of people rushing full speed ahead through time.

I'm glad that another human being is not my lifeline. Would it be comforting to know that I have someone to turn to at any moment, no matter the problem? Yes. But knowing that there is someone out there watching over me has to be more than enough. I can't rely on another human being for sustainment.

The other night I met a really nice Taiwanese girl, a little younger than myself. She asked me questions about my ex and expressed her admiration for American women and their "strong independence." She seemed perplexed that I walked away from an eight year relationship and have no desire to return. I told her that while I still love him (in the sense one loves old friends) and I hope he's happy; I am not in love with him (that stopped long ago) and will never go back.

Other people are amazed when I say this as well. How can I just write off eight years of my life so easily? How can I be absolutely certain I don't want it anymore? It's simple.

I was a different person then. I still may have some of the same issues I had at that time, but I'm changing, growing. The past is like a dream, a closed chapter. New chapters will be written and I have to keep moving forward. My life depends on it.

With spiritual help, I have to be my own lifeline.

traffic flow..or lack thereof

2010-03-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

While I still love a lot about Taiwan, and I am in no hurry to go back to the states (though maybe another country) one thing has been getting to me lately.

I do not understand what is up with the traffic flow here.

It's not only the insane driving; people (and animals) do not know how to move normally here.

I took note of this shortly after arriving in Taiwan, but with my rose-colored glasses pressed firmly onto my nose I shrugged it off.

Taipei Main Station is a perfect example. If you don't look both ways and press ahead with great determination, you will get run over by the foot traffic. Unfortunately, many locals have no problem crashing into other people, shoving others up against walls, shoving themselves into the MRT doors and coming dangerously close to being killed as the warning bell sounds...

I've had close calls (might have been catastrophic) with the following:

1. pedestrians
2. little blue trucks (they drive like complete maniacs)
3. scooters (especially people backing up without looking) people disobeying all sorts of traffic laws (are there really any?) I've seen a foreign pedestrian (looked to be in his 40's, so he's prob been here awhile) get run over by a scooter, utter not a sound, and continue limping across the road.
4. cars
5. tour buses
6. bicyclists
7. stray dogs
8. unsupervised children
9. giant umbrellas (almost had my eye poked out)

It didn't bother me so much before but now it gets under my skin.

Even the stray dogs walk in some zig-zagged fashion. Why Taiwan, why?

scootin' right along

2010-03-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

This week I conquered my fear of scootering out into the masses. I helped a friend retrieve his towed scooter and I had no choice but to drive my bike back. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

I navigated my way between cars and even went through a somewhat tame tunnel. Next challenge: through the scary tunnel (cars and scooters zooming next to ugly, narrow foreboding cement walls) and up the mountain to where the dragon temple resides.

I'm starting to love it. It has taken me 6 months to get to this point.

champing at the bit

2010-03-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't want to write in this blog. Sometimes I want to give it up. Because the words don't come out right. They don't portray how I really feel or what's going on over here. I can't explain the transformations taking place nor can I truly explain my life in this land of contradictions.

I haven't written anything I've liked in years and somewhere along the way the talent I thought I possessed dwindled down to writing without passion. It is a garbled mess.

I'm hoping that one day I can be the writer I aspire to be. Until the switch is flipped, I have to make due with scattered thoughts and empty sentences.

flower children

2010-03-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

On Tuesdays most of my younger class is in Chinese school for the day. So I'm left with three students. After Phonics, we usually do an art project. Today I had them make flowers and write words with long or short vowels on the petals. Aside from the student on the left abusing his flower, breaking the stem, and crying about it; the project went over smoothly. :)

I went to Costco today and a lime colored bag of green tea wasabi peanuts caught my eye. As I waited for the cab outside the store, I shoved a handful into my mouth. Big mistake. I thought I was going to choke but after my throat stopped burning and my eyes dried I decided that they were quite tasty. One of my new favorite snacks in fact...:)

puppies and bunnies and...

2010-03-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

orchids. At the Hsinchu flower market. I almost gave in, but now is not the time to adopt an animal.

So instead, I bought myself this beautiful plant...

I always wanted an orchid but my mom said they don't live long. We'll see how long it survives. Lately I've been missing having plants around.

The flower market was a cool place. I hadn't been to the Hsinchu market before. Lots of food and clothing vendors. A bad place to go for someone like myself, who is always tempted to buy things.

I went to the market with the two new teachers (who are super nice) and we also went to the Hsinchu zoo. Not too fond of this zoo. The habitats are crappy and I felt really sorry for the monkeys who were going nuts. One monkey kept flinging himself at the bars/walls of his cage in agitation. My favorite animals were the ultra cute sunbears though I also felt sorry for them in their poor living conditions.

People here are obsessed with feeding the fish which inhabit the man-made lakes that dot the city. These fish are enormous beastly things and one can buy containers of fish food for them pretty much anywhere. At a lake near the zoo we tossed pellets in and watched as some prehistoric looking creatures surfaced and chased all the smaller fish away. I'm thinking the fish food is full of hormones. Will have to take pictures next time!

agitation

2010-03-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

The need to create something is so strong that if I don't start a serious project soon I'm going to implode.
Despite the torrential rains today, I managed to get outside for a little while and I wandered around. I ended up buying some paints and a red board and I came back home, sat on my bedroom floor, and made this thing...

I don't really know what it is nor do I know if I'll hang it up. The paint smell is lingering in my room and I think it's messing with my brain.

Some rainy day pics:

sleep, you keep eluding me...

2010-03-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

I am developing an addiction to green tea, specifically plum green tea and passionfruit green tea. This week I drank lu cha almost every other day. The bad thing is it keeps me wired for hours and it seems it's making it even more difficult for me to sleep, insomniac that I am.

Then there is the dog. Everyone knows I love animals. This dog is driving me insane.

Around midnight, every night without fail, the thing starts barking and continues for hours. Earlier this week it started howling around 3 am and didn't stop until 5. With bags under my eyes and disheveled hair, I've probably looked crazy to my students this week.

Speaking of my students, they really kept me entertained today.

I recently taught the youngest class what "lie" means and I even bought a book about a boy who tells a lie and imagines his lie turns into a green monster. It was a little too metaphorical for them but after some hand gestures and stick figure drawings on the board (including one of T. Rhonda lying to her father when she was small), they understood.

Anyway, today one of my younger kids named Roy blamed another kid for something. One of my well behaved students, a mostly quiet little boy named Joseph (he wears a set of glasses that sometimes look too big for his face) exclaimed "Teacher Rhonda, Roy is a lie!"

Of course he was trying to tell me Roy was lying about the other student.

My junior high classes the past two nights have also kept me entertained (though a little worn out). Recently, my boss decided they should read an English-type magazine with Chinese translations on certain pages. The magazine contains a lot of American pop-culture and idioms, which will be good for them if they ever study in the US. Once a week I go over an article with them and write definitions on the board for words they don't understand. The article this week had to do with the history and meanings behind "The Kiss."

Of course, the kids protested loudly about having to read such an article but nevertheless, we had to do it. I did feel a little uncomfortable, especially after some of the questions they asked. The article mentioned the health benefits of kissing, slangs such as "kissing one's behind" (nice) "kiss of death," and kisses used in betrayal. It even mentioned Judas's betrayal of Jesus with a kiss.

It was A LOT to talk about and I don't know if they understood half of it but they seemed to be more interested in this reading than last week's article about endangered big cats.

Some funny questions:

The article said that kissing brings stress levels down, lengthens one's life, and makes people healthier in general. One girl raised her hand and said,

"But Teacher. There was one girl in Taiwan who went to America and kissed a lot of boys and then came back to Taiwan and kissed a lot of boys and everyone said she was so dirty."

So I explained that lots of kissing is good between married people or boyfriends/girlfriends who really like eachother and it's not good to go around the world kissing everyone. *sigh* some of these questions throw me off guard!:)

In response to the article stating that there are many benefits (a word I had to define for them) to kissing, one of the older boys raised his hand and said,

"So if one boy wants to kiss you you will let he because it gives you benefits. You will not do this..." he then raised his hand and made a slapping gesture.

I told him if a random boy tried to kiss me, I would indeed slap him.:)

The joys of teaching.

Though these children sometimes frustrate me and I don't know what I'm doing half the time, I will miss them when my contract is up. They will probably look back at me as the teacher pretending to be a teacher, but hopefully they have some good memories.

Things I miss...thoughts on spoiled rotten people

2010-03-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

Just finished scrawling some characters in my Chinese notebook so now I'm sitting here thinking about My Past Life in the states and what I miss. (Yes, I probably wrote about this before).

With the exception of my family and my few close friends, I miss nothing. Aside from the occasional longing for a great slice of deep dish pizza. Or a burrito.

I also miss (can I even remember what it feels like?) waking up next to someone I love. Strong arms around me. Somehow though, I think that was all a dream. An illusion. Because as of yet I don't believe I've had real love in the romantic sense. And even though I miss something I've never really had, the truth is I'm ok without it. Faith sustains me.

I never got around to writing much about Thailand.

When I was at the airport in Bangkok waiting for my plane to Chiang Mai, I did a little writing. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote.

Musings from Bangkok

Day number three in Thailand. Leaving Bangkok and heading for Chiang Mai. Excited, but nervous. Have had a wonderful time so far, wish my family could be here. The shopping is wonderful and overwhelming. The weekend marketplace was overflowing with vendors as far as the eyes could see.

One thing I wasn't expecting--the mass amount of foreigners here. I knew Thailand was a tourist destination but I am shocked by how many bronzed bleached-blondes I am seeing.

While the deals here are amazing and prices can be haggled even lower, some things seem so wrong. Take the Thai massage I had for 45 minutes. It cost around 5 US dollars. The girl worked so hard and it seemed unfair to charge such a low price.

Another thing I've noticed- the appalling sense of entitlement I'm seeing among the foreigners. This also happens in Taiwan but I've really noticed it here. At this airport, for example, there are many foreigners wearing touristy clothes and sunburns standing around looking impatient. Some of them drag along obnoxious children. These children squawk around while the ignorant parents do nothing to stop them. At my hotel in Bangkok there was a French couple who had demons for children. Early in the morning the kids were running around the hotel shrieking and causing chaos in the lobby while mom and dad smiled and other relatives coddled them.

I can't help but wonder what the Thai's really think about foreigners. When I visited Khao Sahn Road, the number of loud, drunken foreigners I ecountered was staggering. I understand why people want to visit Thailand but I wonder how many of them view it as a blessing to be able to visit such a place, msyelf included.

Instead of being demanding and taking advantage of the country, we should be grateful we have the monetary means to visit such a breathaking place. I wonder how many Thai's have had the opportunity to explore other countries. I'm not sure many of them ever do, given the generally low wages here.

I'm going to try to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to be doing this right now.

wild boar and other things

2010-03-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

I ate wild boar for the first time this weekend. Though I'm seriously thinking about becoming a vegetarian again, the last few days I've been a complete carnivore. I don't know what's come over me. The boar was pretty tasty, couldn't tell it was in the pork family at all.

Had the wild pig at a very cool restaurant (old movies play customers eat) in a delightful little village called Neiwan, not too far from Hsinchu. I went with my friend, who I've decided will remain nameless in this blog. I'm not sure he is aware this exists but nevertheless I want to protect his identity. Besides, there may come a point where I need to seriously vent my frustrations about the fun/complicated/confusing situation and he might not appreciate having his name on display in cyberspace.

Neiwan has an interesting street lined with food vendors and random shops. There is an oddities museum which houses such freaks of nature as a preserved two-headed pig and sheep, a hideous shrunken head, giant snakes, a male chastity belt, and many more bizarre objects. Something I did not like about the museum--there was a beautiful LIVE white crow kept in a tiny, cramped cage. The poor thing looked miserable and struggled to get out. It broke my heart and I so want to go back in the middle of the night and let the creature free.

Mountains surround Neiwan and I saw signs for various hotspring resorts so I plan on going back again in the near future for a day (or night) of solitude and reflection.

On the train ride back home a young man (couldn't have been more than 30) fell over in what at first appeared to be a heart attack but might have been some kind of seizure-related disorder. It appeared he was gone for a moment. His mother rushed to his side, the train stopped, and a kind-hearted stranger came over and administered CPR. I have to say the experience scared me and made me once again realize how unpredictable and short life can be. Thankfully the man came back.

Some pics from Neiwan:

The weather today is cold and gloomy. It creates a lonely atmosphere. I've been brooding a lot the past few days. I don't know exactly what's come over me but I feel like I'm at some drastic turning point in my life once more. I'm realizing some things which I will blog about at a later date. I don't have the energy tonight.

Aside from that, my brother called me this morning and told me he's coming to Taiwan for sure in May. I'm really excited. I wonder if this place will leave him feeling as speechless as I felt when I first arrived.:)

the many hues of me...

2010-03-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

Today as I was sitting with some of my kids teaching them knock knock jokes, one of them exclaimed, "Teacher! Your eyes! They are brown. And green. And yellow. And black! So many colors!"

Imagine if you will, about four or five children scrambling forward and getting VERY close to my face trying to stare into teacher Rhonda's sleepy eyes. It was pretty funny though. They then moved to my hair, lifting up various pieces and pointing out that I have at least four different colors also streaking through my mane. They made the biggest fuss about the "black" (which is really medium brown) hidden underneath my illusion of blonde. The first time this class saw my roots coming through they freaked out.

Never a dull moment. My multi-shaded eyes and hair match my life at present. :)

When one door closes...

2010-02-28T07:37:00.000-08:00

Tonight marks the end of the Chinese New Year celebrations. Fireworks are going off like crazy outside and the entire apt building smells strangely of gasoline. If it doesn't go away I'll have to notify the proper people tomorrow.

Tonight is also Lantern Festival, but I, being melancholy on this night have decided to cloister myself away in my bedroom and declined the invite from my coworkers to watch the lanterns in the city center. I saw part of the lantern show in Taipei anyway.

This feeling of dismay started on Saturday when I went to get my hair cut. We'd been talking (my stylist and I) about the disasterous things I'd done to my hair as of late. We then moved into discussing how old I was and as he was foiling through my hair I jokingly said "I don't know what I'm going to do with this hair when the gray starts coming through....WAIT...you don't see any grays do you...?" to which he replied an ominous "Not YET..."

I then sat there in solemn reflection for a moment...wondering just how much time I DO have left before they start rearing their ugly heads. One year, two? My body is just waiting...is this my prime? Will everything start going downhill after 30, like some of those articles say? I tend to believe that we are only as old as we are in our hearts (though the thought of turning 30 does feel catastrophic, though not living would be more catastrophic and I feel guilty for even complaining about this when some people are chronically ill or no longer on this earth).

After more painful revelations this weekend I realize that I am probably destined for an existence of solitude for some time yet. Either there is some defective aura floating around my body or God just has other plans...but me entertaining the idea of possibly getting into a serious relationship just backfires. The very few times I have let my guard down a little things just get messed up and once again I'm shown that I am supposed to be a female monk for an uncertain amount of time. Maybe days. Probably years.

As my career plans are defective as well I envision a life without romance. Only the fairy tales I dream up in my head. I can handle the stares in the restaurants, the movie theaters. In the night is when it's hardest but these things are all trivial when it comes down to what really matters. And when the sky above grows too dark to see the stars, as it is now, I remind myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. For now, I have to be content with just being with myself. No---Not just content...it's loving myself and knowing that I am capable of anything life throws my way. This is part of the growing process.

a few Thailand pics...

2010-02-22T05:38:00.000-08:00

my journey to Thailand

2010-02-21T07:16:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful time in Thailand. Though I didn't spend nearly enough time there; a week is not enough. The two days I spent in Bangkok were interesting. I will admit I was a little frazzled upon arrival because I was not aware that with some taxis the customer has to pay the tolls on the highways. My driver was taking me to my hotel and after a frustrating language exchange he made it clear I was responsible for the tolls. However, my discomfort ended soon after and I stayed at a nice place called Lamphu Tree Hotel. The only problem with the place was the bratty French children running wild all over the lobby in the morning and their parents who showered them with doting smiles. Throughout my stay in Thailand I witnessed similar scenes but with children and adults of different nationalities (nearly all of the people were white however). I could write a whole blog on the spoiled way many of the foreigners behave over in Thailand but that may have to wait for another day-I did journal about it at one of the airports after observing people for awhile.

I didn't have the chance to see many of the sights around Bangkok but I did spend some time in the more famous bazaars. I have to say I was overwhelmed. Never in my life have I seen such a display of wonderful items for dirt-cheap prices. I walked around dazed. And a little guilty. The Thai people displaying their wares have a sense of desperation hovering around them--I noticed it even more in Chiang Mai. While haggling is popular (and I will admit to taking part in this a few times) it's almost pointless as everything is pretty inexpensive anyway. When I realized how little money most Thai people make it was unsettling and I felt bad trying to lower prices further. To give you an idea of how cheap things are-at my hotel in Chiang Mai I got a one hour Thai massage for about 6 US dollars. That same massage would have cost more than 30 dollars in the states. The cost of food and clothing is ridiculously cheap too. Thailand would be a dreamworld in which to retire. One could live like a king.

The glimpses I saw of natural beauty in Thailand were heavenly. I didn't get to the coast but I've already fallen in love with the forests near Chiang Mai. The Elephant Conservation Center in Lampang was beautiful and I can't wait to return...there aren't enough words to describe what I felt there. Fulfilling my dream of being up close and personal with elephants was an emotional, unforgettable experience. The staff members at the center are devoted to the amazing animals and they went out of their way to make sure the participants in the program were comfortable. At times I wondered what they really thought about us...did they view us as spoiled, filthy rich tourists? Some of the staff members live in crumbling shacks in the jungle. But they are happy. They seem to be content in that world and I envy them in some ways. While they may not make a lot of money, and the work can be quite trying at times, the luxury of the solitude and the magnificence of the natural beauty around them makes up for it.

There were six of us all together participating in the program and I enjoyed meeting everyone in our group. . We got to choose our elephants...I was immediately drawn to one and I found out a little while later that she was destined to become the matriarch of the herd and was quite stubborn. I loved her though. She was also quite fond of turning on her side in the water (the director of the program warned me I'd probably fall off into the lake) but I held on like an octopus every time.:)

At the beginning of the program we learned fourteen elephant commands (in Thai of course) and practiced these commands before venturing out into the forests. Our days were spent feeding, bathing, and trekking with the elephants (and learning random Thai from their mahouts). One day we had lunch in the jungle and I helped cook. The smoke made my eyes burn and tear (which gave the mahouts a good laugh) but it was really fun. At the end of the day we'd leave our elephants in the forest (chained up so they couldn't run off in the night) and head back to the resort for dinner and relaxation in our private bungalows. I used to get really sore in my horseback riding classes but the pain I felt then didn't come close to how sore my muscles were after riding my elephant for three days! Yet, it was so worth it. :) I did get sick one day but luckily it was gone by the third day. On the final day we watched an elephant show on the main camp ground, visited the elephant hospital, and said goodbye to our elephants. I was very sad to leave but I'm grateful I had the opportunity. There is so much to tell but I'm not sure how to put it all into words other than to say that the whole time was magical and I'm left feeling a void now that I'm back here in Taiwan. I don't understand this inexplicable sadness.

While I've said many times I'm quite fond of this little country I currently call home; I felt more in tune with myself over in Thailand. One of my friends mentioned that in my pictures I look healthy and it probably had to do with the fact I was in my element. Looking at my collection of pictures now I see how radiant I appear and I wonder if perhaps Thailand will be the next destination where I take up residence.

So stay in Taiwan a few more years and learn Chinese...or head to Thailand next year?

For now, it's all too much to think about and I feel like going to bed. I'll post pictures (or a link to pictures) of my Thailand trip soon.

confession

2010-02-09T18:15:00.000-08:00

I did a horrible thing this morning. In fact, I'm sitting in my room typing this, feeling very guilty and wondering if Karma is going to pay me back for my crime.

So I woke up early to take my laundry into Mr. Bubbles since the place is overloaded because of Chinese New Year and I won't get my laundry back until tomorrow. I noticed that an oversized black garbage bag stuffed with maggoty fruit fly trash was left precariously close to my scooter. Some of the loathesome creatures were actually crawling on my bike. Disgusted, I moved the bag a little out of the way. When I came back from dropping off my laundry I decided to relocate the heap further down the alleyway.

As I was carrying it (arm thrust out with the bag far, far away from my body) the thing broke open and rancid trash exploded onto the pavement. Freaked, I looked at the mess and ran into my apartment. I do not think there were witnesses...

A little while ago I heard a lady go outside and she started screaming. This continued for a couple of minutes as some man (I assume her husband) helplessly answered her. It was probably his fault for putting it out there in the first place but nevertheless I can't help feeling ashamed...

away to the mountains

2010-02-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

Less than a week to Thailand! While I'm loving my time here in Taiwan, it will be great to see one of the places on my Places To See list and greater still to fulfill one of my dreams of being up close and personal with elephants.

Nevertheless, I am still in love with the natural beauty that exists in some areas of Taiwan. When wandering around the dirty, chaotic streets of the cities one tends to forget how the country is surrounded by mountains, forests, and sea.

My friend picked me up in a rental car on Sunday and we drove to Shei-Pei National Park, about a 2.5 hour drive from Hsinchu. It was quite an adventure; especially driving up the winding mountain roads. Some of them had been damaged in recent years by landslides due to earthquakes or heavy rainfall during typhoons. At certain points along the way, the route was muddy, gravel-like, and pretty narrow-minus guard rails. If this isn't enough to spike up the anxiety- on the opposite side of the road the threat of immense boulders cascading down the mountainside is an ever-present danger..

I had a wonderful time (though I will admit to praying for our lives occasionally). Along the way we passed by a few aborignal villages and the house-arrest residence of Chang Hsueh-Liang (famous Chinese Warlord) who kidnapped Chiang Kai-shek (former "Iron-fisted" President of Taiwan). We visited a lovely hot spring at the end of the day located nearby.

We hiked around for a couple of hours on one of the trails within the vast park and had a lovely time, complete with a small scale swinging bridge.:) At one point I felt a little hot and dizzy due to the intense elevation but the trip was spectacular and well worth anything uncomfortable that transpired. Though some people may prefer clear, perfect, sunny days for scenic mountain viewing, I loved the misty, cloudy look that prevailed during our trip. It made the place seem more mysterious and magical.

It was sad leaving, knowing I'll probably never be back to visit the same spot again but I know there are many more beautiful places to discover during my stay here.

mud ovens and squid balls

2010-02-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I had the privilege of experiencing an authentic rural Taiwanese barbecue. Not knowing that it would take place in the middle of an old rice paddy in Hsinchu County, I donned a casual dress and hoodie (dress not a good choice) and headed off with my friend and his friends to enjoy the beautiful sunny day.

As we approached the site, I felt a little trepidation as I saw a bunch of people clustered around a grill near some fields, all staring at the newcomers pulling up in the van. Number one, my Chinese is bad. Number two, my Chinese is bad. Number three, I only knew one person.

Nevertheless I had a nice time. Though I was a little quiet, and understood little of what was being said (I did eavesdrop and catch a few random things here and there) everyone was very nice and some people went out of their way to throw in the random English word or joke here which was very kind. I also got to witness something very cool...a unique way of barbecuing.

How it seemed to work:

Parts of the field were dug up with a hoe and constructed into mud ovens. After heating them for some time, various foods wrapped in tin foil were added to holes in the center of the ovens. The foods included yams, corn, chicken, and fish. Eggs wrapped in tin foil and sealed in mud were also placed inside. After this, everyone stomped on the top of the ovens, crushing the dirt down to seal the heat around the food. I contributed a stomp or two as well.:)

The food was then left to heat for two hours. Unfortunately something went awry and the tinfoil around the chicken and fish melted, leaving mud covered, charred chicken and fish. Sadly.:(

However, the vegetables and eggs turned out well and I enjoyed some mud baked corn and part of a yam. I also have a new favorite food...squid balls on a stick. Normally, I loathe the squid here. That could be partially due to the presentation...most places I've seen just stick the whole creature on a skewer and cook it.

However, barbecued squid balls are very tasty and I couldn't eat enough of them. It was a great day and I'm glad I had the chance to witness a rural tradition and meet some nice people. Some pictures:

Totally inappropriate attire to be doing this type of work but

nevertheless...

blur

2010-01-28T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've felt so out of it the past few days. Don't know if it's high consumption of sugar or some freak detachment phase about to set in ( I read about things like that happening to people living overseas, though I'm sure this is not the case) but it's been odd. Just got off the phone with my mom. It was nice talking to her. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm that far from home. Technology makes everything so easy. I think back to years ago when people had to communicate solely by letters that would take months to arrive. Now all we have to do is hit a couple of buttons or hook up a mic and we can even SEE our family members on the other side of the world. What's even weirder is that when I talk to my brother on the Skype webcam, he's in the past and I am in the future. It's a little crazy.

I bought a beautiful scroll last weekend for my father. It's his birthday next week and I'm going to send it out tomorrow...there is a certain service that claims packages arrive in three days. It's worked before so hopefully it works again this time too. I also had my younger students make him birthday cards...they are pretty cute. One girl drew a beautiful picture and placed a large, looming 59 on top of the decadent fish birthday cake. (I told them my Baba likes to go fishing).

I'm sure my dad will appreciate that, given that he is only turning 56. I think. :)

The weeks are blurring together so quickly now...can't believe I leave for Thailand in two.

eating my way through Taiwan

2010-01-26T06:50:00.000-08:00

I had another fantastic weekend. Spent some time sight-seeing with a friend from the states who was here visiting family. We went to a famous dumpling house in Taipei called Din Tai Fung and the food there is amazing. Not a huge pork fan, I have to say that I loved their famous pork dumplings. I actually enjoyed them MORE than my vegetarian dumplings, which is hard to believe. The dumplings are thin but loaded with juice and flavor. It takes a little delicacy picking them up without bursting them open. I also enjoyed a delicious shrimp soup. I know I will go back again!

We did some shopping around Taipei and then I met up with another friend later. On Sunday my friend and I went to a popular mall in Taipei where the tallest ferris wheel I've ever seen is housed. After a beer and some positive self-talk (I hate feeling closed in) I braved it and we enjoyed the 17 minute ride, complete with an amazing view of the city. None of the pictures turned out well but I'll take more next time.

My friend from the states brought me a couple boxes of Velveeta mac and cheese. Let me just say that the stuff is evil. I made a box this morning and inhaled it...can't remember the last time I had the sinful delight but wow. I realized after that I had just consumed almost 1200 calories in one sitting. Velveeta cheese should be outlawed...(though it's oh so tasty!):)

It made me realize that although I eat a lot in Taiwan, and there is food around every corner; the food here is just not as toxic as food back in the states. Some may beg to differ upon catching a whiff of stinky tofu or taking in copious amounts of MSG but as greasy/salty as the food is here I still believe that we put way more chemicals/hormones in food back in the US. I love the food here. And while I enjoyed my box of mac and cheese it seems that my taste preferences have changed. I wonder what I'll do when I go back to the states permanently and I don't have my dan chow fan stand right around the corner.

it's amazing...

2010-01-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

some of the ailments that suddenly appear out of nowhere while living in Taiwan. I woke up this morning and developed a red itchy rash on my neck. It's spread a little bit to my arms but hopefully it will be gone by the time I wake up.

It brings to mind the comment my roommate made a few months back about a fellow teacher who used to live in Hsinchu. He would scooter everywhere, all the time, and one day he developed some kind of strange black rash on his neck. Supposedly the doctor told him it was from the air pollution; some kind of disgusting skin problem from riding the scooter all over Taiwan.

As I'm still a toddler on my scooter, I know that can't be the culprit.

Alas...

While I have grown to mostly love this island, the countdown is on for Thailand. Yay for February 13th! I cannot wait. I am tired of wearing this ghastly shade of white and my adventure with the elephants awaits. From what I hear, when I return-Taiwan "should" be on its way back to the good old humid semi-sunny days. The ocean is always calling my name here...I'm so close to the coast wherever I roam. I plan on spending a sufficient amount of time at the beach when the warm weather is here to stay.

!!!!!

2010-01-18T09:23:00.001-08:00

I cannot sleep again. When will the torture end...?

Misty, Mysterious Taiwan

2010-01-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

There are some areas of Taiwan that are shrouded in mist where one might easily believe one was caught up in some kind of ethereal world. Keelung seems to be one of those places, though many people think it's an ugly county; one reason being it rains all the time. I'd only driven nearby Keelung once before but this weekend a friend and I ventured out to explore a few of the famous caves in the area. The one I was most excited about visiting was the Fairy Cave (Shian Tong). The whimsical cave also has a temple. The chambers inside are not very big at all; we had to crouch down low in some places and stuff ourselves through narrow openings but it was a fun experience.

I've read a couple of legends about the place. One legend claims that long ago a fairy used to live inside the cave, others have said that fairies used to worship in the caves. Regardless, anything to do with fairies is always appealing to me.:)

After exploring the fairy cave we walked up the mountain to see what else we could discover. There were numerous signs dotted along the pathway that warned of poisonous snakes...

Shortly after, we visited another cave called Buddha's Hand Cave. This was bigger than the Fairy Cave and this cave was also a little creepy. I saw one spider (smallish) and heard random squeaks from some type of cave-dwelling mammal. Overall, it's a cool place to visit and I liked the main attraction.

Some random pics from the rest of the weekend:

Keelung Harbor area

Yangmingshan area

invisible

2010-01-14T05:16:00.000-08:00

At times I feel invisible in my own life. Perhaps this is ironic given that I'm a white, blonde-haired female living in Taiwan. In the middle of the masses, I stand out. But to myself, a lot of the time, I am inadequate and ordinary. I'm really trying to get to the root of these feelings.

I can at times project confidence, put on a smile. During these moments I even believe I'm confident. But mostly, I retreat deep inside myself, hiding from others and drawing the curtains. It's more comfortable. Yet, every so often I have the desire (which I hate) to peep out and try to gauge what "they" are seeing when they see me. If they ever really do.

And this is crazy because the older I get, it seems the less I care what others think. But lately, due to some intense self-reflecting, I realize that I am very insecure and others see this as well. And they feed off it. If I think I'm weak, others will treat me this way. It is really unattractive.

I am tired of comparing myself but still I do it nevertheless. I've been feeling inadequate again when it comes to teaching. I feel at times like I'm a little girl playing school. I compare myself to my co-workers, who are in their early to mid-twenties and have Master degrees.

But would a MA make me more competent? What does more eduation mean, in the grand scheme of things? Why do I let such trivial matters bother me? What is wrong with me?

I realize this blog is a tad personal and normally I wouldn't post something this close to my heart for all the world to see. But maybe it's better this way, letting it out there. I'm tired of the repression.

I've also been thinking about continuing to teach ESL for the next four or five years while I save money and work on some personal projects. However, at the rate my current feelings are going, I don't know if I'm meant to be an ESL teacher. I enjoy teaching but I want to do something that makes me come ALIVE-- as cliche as that sounds. I'm tired of fading into the background. I want my chance to shine, even if I don't fully know what my talents are yet. I am tired of feeling invisible.

hot springs, suspension bridges, creepy neighbors

2010-01-11T06:55:00.000-08:00

The guy downstairs is seriously creepy. I was outside folding up my umbrella when he opened his door and looked at me through the dark hallway. He stared a few moments and then closed the door. I always get this horrible feeling when I see him, kinda makes my hair stand on end. A moment later he opens his door again, stares, closes it. I fled up the staircase (it passes dangerously close to his apt) and I heard him open the door once more as soon as I hit my landing. I hate having encounters with him ever since he flipped out that time in the alleyway.

Aside from that, it was a pretty good day at work. My older kids had to complete a page in their spelling packet in which they were asked to answer some questions about a cat wearing magical boots. The object was to get them to use creativity along with their spelling words. One student said "But teacher, we do NOT have imaginations." :) I told him that every person in the world has some kind of imagination to which he insisted he only has a little imagination. Poor kids. They really don't know how write creatively, which is something I'm trying to work on with them.

My weekend was wonderful. I went to Beitou with a friend I made a couple weeks ago on NYE. We visited a few hot springs and had a relaxing time. I did say I didn't want to date in Taiwan but *maybe* my new friend has the potential to change this thought process.;)

Anyway, I had a nice time this weekend. On Sunday I met my friend again and we visited Taipei 101 (it was a beautiful clear day) and then went up to this area called Bitan which is charming. There's a lovely river where one can rent paddleboats and relax by various eateries or shops. There's also a suspension bridge that's not for people afraid of heights. Mom, you would hate it. The bridge sways from side to side a little bit as you cross over the water but I enjoyed it and paused to take pictures.

Later, we rented a paddle boat and pedaled around a section of the river. The bridges over the river are illuminated with brightly colored lights in the evening. It was a great way to end the weekend.:)

View from the top of Taipei 101

view of river from suspension bridge in Bitan

2010-01-11T05:30:00.000-08:00

banana boys

2010-01-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

Some days the guys at the fruit stand on the corner are charming, other days they annoy me a little bit.
Tonight for instance, I decided to scooter to Mr. Bubbles (laundry) instead of waiting for morning. I'm slowly working my way up to driving in more congested traffic. Anyway, as I was turning- heart pounding as lines of cars rushed towards me, one of the boys screams out "HEEELLLLOOOOOO" a few feet away and made me lose my balance momentarily. I will admit I made a face and I told him in English that he scared me. He looked a little nervous and confused as he saw me teeter totter. He said something I didn't understand and as I was a little humiliated, I righted myself and hit the gas, fearing for my life as I ventured forth.

One of these days I hope to overcome the nervous adrenaline rush-feeling of impending doom that overtakes my body everytime I get on the scooter.

fun with medicine

2010-01-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

So I went to the doctor this morning. My swollen throat kept me up all night and I figured I'd just get the visit over with. The doctor said I had a viral infection and after a quick examination ordered me behind the curtain to sit at a strange little machine. After a moment of confusion, the nurse came in and turned it on. A cloud of funny tasting mist shot out and she told me to keep my mouth open. I obeyed, but had to wipe the droplets off my face every so often. Supposedly this is very beneficial. I'm always open to trying new things but it was definitely an interesting experience.

I picked up my prescription at the pharmacy next door and as soon as I got to work I looked up the names of the medicine online. I know I'm not being paranoid. The reason for this is almost every time I've been given medicine here there are a few pills that seem totally unnecessary. Today I was given stomach medicine in addition to the various pills for my sore throat and plugged up sinuses. Usually I pick and choose which pills to take but I've decided to be a little adventurous and I am following the instructions completely.

My youngest students were adorable today. I mentioned I was cold offhandedly and they all rushed forward, insisting I put on their coats and poofy vests. I had to take a picture:)

After work I went to one of my new favorite places to eat. I've been there twice now, it's a little Taiwanese restaurant on top of the FE21 building and I love their vegetable dumplings and chicken soup. I thought a hot steaming bowl of the soup was just what I needed.

Another of my favorite things to eat here...eggplant smothered in olive oil and garlic.

Ironically I was seated at the only table with an elephant tablecloth...the pachyderms just keep popping up.:) I took it as a good sign in regards to spending CNY in Thailand.

hot springs escape

2010-01-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

It's been a little too damp and chilly for my liking. I've decided that the coming weekend will most likely be spent escaping to this place. Hopefully the magical springs cure my aches (feet are still hurting from the weekend):) and prevent any sicknesses from taking over. My throat is sore and my ears feel funny so I think some relaxation is in order.

This week has been going great so far. Perhaps I should not feel so gleeful about this but with the start of the new semester some of my delinquent students are missing and it appears they will not be coming back. My life just got that much easier. It saddens me a little that I could not reach these students but I'm trying not to take it personally as students are missing from all of our classes. I'm pretty hopeful my naughty junior high class will not be naughty much longer as the ringleader is gone.

It's a positive start to 2010.:)

changes

2010-01-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

Happy 2010 to all!

With the onset of this new year I feel a strange little tingling inside. Changes are in the air...in some ways it feels like I'm waking up after a long sleep. (Ironic, since I've still been living on 5 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky). Things seem a little murky right now as far as where my path leads next but the fog is lifting.

NYE in Taiwan was an interesting experience. The MRT station in Taipei was insane...didn't manage to get a picture but it was a fun adventure, even for someone as claustrophobic as myself. Mobs and mobs of people, yet the crowd was jovial and relaxed for the most part.

Early on in the night I humiliated myself when I fell down a step onto the middle of the dance floor at this club called Room 18. I was not drunk, the lights were too dim. Thank you salesgirl, for talking me into buying those scandalous boots. The heel cracked (though it didn't come off all the way) and I spent most of the night walking on the balls of my feet so as not to cause further damage. The fireworks outside Taipei 101 were amazing though and overall the night went well. I met some cool people and rang in 2010 on a very hopeful note.

It will be interesting to see what transpires in the coming weeks as preparation for Chinese New Year begins. Another thing I love about Taiwan is the close familial ties many hold here (an aspect of culture I think the US is sometimes lacking) and CNY is a family holiday. From what I hear, it's like our Christmas back in the states. Granted I will be in Thailand for most of the celebration, but there will be many new things to learn.

hopes for 2010...

2009-12-30T07:04:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I'm really looking forward to 2010. I think this will be an amazing year. So much has happened the past few months to change my life in positive ways and I have a feeling that 2010 will hold great things for myself and those I love. I wish all my family and friends back in the states (and in Taiwan) a beautiful, blessed, and glorious new year full of magic.:)

My resolutions I will keep to myself...

One thing I will say though is I hope I can somehow reach my *naughty* junior high class in the coming months. They are the one class that I feel I haven't made a good connection with...though tonight I made them laugh when I ripped down one of my Christmas garlands, tied it around my head, and danced around the room. At first a lot of them stared at me in confusion but a few snickered. They told me I was crazy. I told them I would wear it into Taipei tomorrow.:D

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bring on the new year...

2009-12-27T08:26:00.000-08:00

Christmas show was a success:) All my kids did really well and I'm proud of them. Some of the older students weren't the happiest because of speeches but I think we're all going to be chilling out this week. The younger kids were so cute, I took lots of pictures. It was also fun dressing up like Mrs. Claus though at the end of the day I was exhausted from costume changes and playing all day.:) Lots and lots of work! Still, it was an experience I'll never forget. I love the school and I could not ask for a better employer right now. I am blessed. Some pics (will post video soon!)

Aside from that, I've been feeling a little wound up (who knows why exactly) but I'm hoping that the coming week brings relaxation. It's the start of a new year and time for reflections and strong resolve. I'm going to have faith that 2010 will be a magical year for not only myself, but for those close to me. It will also be a year in which I feel I'll push myself like I haven't before.

Looks like I'll be heading into Taipei for New Year's Eve so I went out and did some dress shopping today. It was an experience as I headed to one of the shops where the not-so cheap nicer dresses are made. Let me just say that alot of women here are TINY. Even though I lost about 10 pounds since arriving in Taiwan, it took about 7 or 8 dresses until I found one that fit right. The others made me looked like a stuffed sausage or something...ahem...women here just don't carry much weight on the lower half of their bodies, which is where I ran into problems with the dresses.

The sales girl talked me into buying some pretty scandalous black boots and a red feathery belt which is in contrast with the blue dress. Anyway the ensemble looked cute so I went with it. Spent too much money, but how many times can one spend New Year's Eve in Taipei?:)

strong paths, strong shoes

2009-12-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

Feeling a little despondent tonight. And alone.

I suppose I'm worried about the Christmas show and my students performance but I know I have to have faith in them (and in myself). It's also hard being away from home right now but I'm an adult and circumstances such as this are part of life. Really, this excessive whining lately is ridiculous. I'm on an adventure. Still, I wish I could give everyone a big hug right now. I want to hear the chaos, Lucky dog barking. I want to see my mom.

I don't want everyone back home to think I'm unhappy--really, I'm not. In some ways this is the happiest I've been in a long time. In fact, never in my life have I felt this free and strong.

It just seems that while my confidence is growing significantly in some areas, it's suffering in others-primarily when it comes to work/career. I'm hoping that 2010 brings me a clearer picture of what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life...because the clock is ticking and I'm still at a loss. All I have to go on right now is the feeling that I'm on the right path.

There was a large earthquake Saturday night which was a little frightening. I was at a party in Taipei when it struck--the strongest one I've felt since I've been here. Luckily it only caused minor damage.

Earthquakes are a little surreal---there's a sensation of something amiss, the ground rumbles a little at first, a subtle alert that something dramatic is about to happen. Then the earth moves, sometimes violently- and you are stunned to silence. It all happens so quickly.

Isn't that how life goes though- both in negative and positive ways? I'm hoping that these quiet rumblings I'm feeling are a precursor to the earth shattering revelation of what I'm supposed to do with my life.

An inspirational quote:

“If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes.”-Corrie Ten Boom

funny but slightly sadistic...

2009-12-18T05:44:00.000-08:00

So the other day I was reading "The Gingerbread Man" to my youngest class during story time. They were entralled, until we came to this part in the story...

Their eyes grew a little larger than normal and they became very quiet. I think they were waiting for a happy ending. I felt somewhat bad for traumatizing them this way. Nevertheless, I said "And this is what happens when people don't listen and they are bad."

escapism

2009-12-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy leaving reality behind a little too much. I just finished a 629 page book about a girl who is in love with a vampire (and also a werewolf). It took me two days to read. Granted, lots of people love the twilight series but the fact that it was almost critical for me to finish the third book tonight bothered me. I have always enjoyed throwing myself into a fantasy or romance novel but I should have directed that enthusiasm into studying Chinese this week.

Which leads to:

Why do I always want to be someplace else? Looking back on the various jobs I've held, it's obvious I get bored easily. I always welcomed change then and still like it now. I wanted to come to Taiwan and now that I'm here I dream about exploring other places. I thought again about how it would be if I stayed here for another few years. It's a tempting thought. I would really learn Chinese taking this path. I could move to the mountains...or further south near the ocean...

However, knowing myself (and I've come to realize more about myself these last few months) I would get extremely restless. So the question that remains is...what will hold me in one place? It will not be a relationship because as much as it would be nice to find the true love we're all looking for I'd still wonder where my true calling was. I can't stop searching until I find it. What is it that drives me, that tells me I have to get out there, further into the world?

Thinking back on certain church sermons I remember pastors saying that living in the "world" holds no joys for us. We are advised not to be worldy beings. However, for me...it's not so much that I want to revel in the partying aspects of the world...no, that lifestyle holds no appeal for me. For me, it's a desire to explore God's creation, a spiritual quest, to push myself to the limits and learn as much as I can along the way. It's like there's some invisible magnetic force at work yanking me along. Try as I might to fight these feelings with logic, there's nothing that can be done except to give in. I'm not sure what else to make of it other than I have to believe I'm headed in the right direction.

(another whiny blog trying to reassure myself) :)

Sunday

2009-12-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

I went to an interesting temple with one of my new friends this weekend. It had been a place I'd heard about but had yet to see. So we took my scooter and headed up the mountain. I thought it was an intriguing place, he however didn't seem to care for it so much.

I find that alot of Taiwanese people, like people the world over-either hate their country, love their country, or have a love/hate relationship with their country. My new friend seems to have more of a hate relationship with the country and sometimes after hearing life stories from the locals I can understand why. While many foreigners love it here, it's sometimes a hard life for the locals-one not without bitter resentments (some which I can't fully understand because I wasn't born here) and lusting for escape. Perhaps it's just as it is everywhere...we always think the grass is greener on the other side. But most of the time it's only an illusion.

Anyway, on the temple grounds there exists the strangest park. The owner of the park apparently collects statues and displays them on the grounds for visitors to enjoy. My friend thought the place was creepy (I will admit some of the statues were very scary), for me on the otherhand-it was something out of a fairy tale. I probably could've stayed there all day, wandering among the statues and listening to the calming chant-music coming from the temple.

Some pictures:

I didn't do much Chinese studying this weekend, even though I have to meet with my tutor tomorrow. I'm feeling guilty again. New friend is supposed to help me in that area but right now it looks like he wants more of a relationship type thing with this. I like him but not like "that" and I think we can be very good friends but I've decided that I don't want to date anyone while I'm in Taiwan. Sometimes it is difficult being alone and I miss the feeling of closeness. However, I've grown used to being alone now and I don't want any entanglements. Nor do I want to hurt anyone. So this is the best way. Make friends, learn what I can about the culture, and discover more about myself in the process. After all, that's why I came here in the first place.

Jumping on the bandwagon a little too late, I find that I'm a little in love with the Twilight series. I should have read the books before seeing the movies but alas, tonight I'm reading the third book. Didn't think I'd like a story about vampires so much but it's a very interesting story-even if was made for teenage girls. :)

And so dawns a new week in my life...

*update: new friend turned out to be huge creep and I'm finding I may have to get a restraining order against him* -January 11, 2009

a little whining...

2009-12-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

I believe (for the most part) since I arrived in Taiwan I've been pretty laid back. This experience has been wonderful so far. However, the past couple of weeks I've felt on edge. I'm stressed out about the school Christmas show, feeling low confidence suddenly, and I'm realizing how poor my Chinese is even though I've been here seven months. I haven't pushed myself like I've needed to but I find that as much as I want to learn Chinese, other things are starting to crop up and bother me more.

Like- why am I not writing? I had envisioned escapes into the mountains, lazy days at beaches gathering ideas, musings over cups of herbal tea. I think I need to devote more time to this area of my life as well.

As I've mentioned in other posts, I would consider staying in Taiwan for a few more years but unfortunately the pollution and my respiratory system do not get along so I don't think that's going to happen. Come August I have a feeling I'll probably be heading to another country, even though I'll always love Taiwan and will be back to visit. I'm considering about five other places. I am getting a little excited thinking about spending the next few years traveling. However (negative comment is about to follow) I also realize that come October I will be 30 and I'm wondering if running around the world at my age is an acceptable lifestyle. Again, as I've mentioned in other posts, I wonder- shouldn't I have a career path? Shouldn't I start saving money to own a home instead of spending it on airplanes? What am I supposed to be doing? What is my plan?!

I have unleashed these musings on my dear friend in Cali (who if he is reading this is probably rolling his eyes in disgust at my complaints about turning 30 as he will be 40 come September!:D) and we have had discussions about life paths and expectations in society.

Whenever I start feeling worked up about these things I realize that everyone's definition of success is different. Maybe I would feel happy and fulfilled traveling the world the next five years. Homeless. Without a 401K. Without marriage, children, white-picket fences. And if I were happy, what others thought would not matter much.

I strongly feel that I can't return to the 9-5 set come August. Perhaps it's a little irresponsible but something is telling me that my wanderlust will not be abated anytime soon.

small victories

2009-12-02T07:58:00.001-08:00

So even though I've been feeling a little bad about my lack of assertiveness, I've accomplished a few minor things recently.

I drove my laundry down the street to the laundromat in broad daylight. Balancing a giant plastic bag of laundry on the bottom of your scooter when you aren't used to driving said scooter is an interesting experience. I kept getting visions of random articles of clothing flying across the road as my bag rolled off the scooter and popped open onto the pavement. All turned out well. I will admit that I brought my laundry in yesterday morning and there was not a lot of traffic. However, this morning when I went to pick it up there were quite a few cars on the road.

Another small victory-I've memorized 43 new Chinese words the past two weeks. Granted they are pretty much useless household items but I'm still proud. Even though my tones are not totally correct and I could be saying something entirely different than the word I'm trying to pronounce.;)
I'm eager to learn verbs and some other parts of speech so I can start playing around with words and making my own sentences instead of memorizing boring textbook sentences like “Ni hao. Wo jiao Rhonda. Wo shi Meiguoren.” (Hello, my name is Rhonda. I am American)

I now know how to say painting, fan, couch, telephone, bookshelf, tv stand, tv, space heater, wall, door, light switch, apartment building, iron bars, swimming pool, security guard, mailbox, garage, car, coffee table, end table, headphones, top floor, armchair, rocking chair, recliner, vacuum cleaner, air conditioner, and some others. Like I said, pretty useless. But my tutor and I are going through the picture dictionary from beginning to end and right now the book is focusing on household items.

I've also been learning more sentences. Useful ones like “I hate you” and “I have an appointment with so and so”... So much fun.:D

I had my demon junior high class again tonight and this time I really let them have it after second break. They were being completely disobedient. I did feel a little guilty though when the three boys I held after class were punished by the boss.

I'm pretty exhausted again but I wanted to do some reading. I found the book “For one more day” at the bookstore and it seems like an interesting read...

Until mingtian...

when esl students attack...

2009-11-30T07:45:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted tonight. The annoying construction next door woke me up at quarter to 8 and since I had to meet with my tutor this morning I didn't go back to sleep. 8 am may seem late to some people but seeing as I don't usually go to sleep until 3 in the morning, it's early. No wonder I have bags under my eyes and hollowness in my face...hopefully I can get back to a normal sleeping pattern one day.

My Chinese lessons are slowly improving at a snail-like pace. I got a little frustrated today though when I realized once again how many words in Chinese sound the same but have different meanings. I suppose it's that way in English as well but I don't feel we have nearly as many confusing words...for example...the words "shoe" and "shoo" sound the same but are not which may confuse some people. However, in Chinese this could be the case with a word but maybe there will be ten or more different meanings depending on the context and the character. My teacher is thoughtful though, she brought me a baggie full of various teas and said we should try shopping next time. Which will entail her pointing out items in Chinese and me repeating like a baobei. :) I always tell my students I'm like a baby learning Chinese. My youngest class was thrilled when they realized I am using BoPoMoFo books like theirs.

Speaking of my students, my MWF junior high class...85% of them are demons. The class is also mostly made up of boys, which explains a lot. They are so whiny. "But Teaaaacchhhheeer," they say, "Aye Ow, we don't want to do this. We have so much Chinese homework and a big Chinese test. Teacher you are so mean," and teacher this, teacher that. They love to tell me I'm so old and drill me about the lack of romance in my life. Meanwhile throwing pencil boxes and erasers through the air, speaking in Chinese and cracking jokes that they think I won't understand.

It's not like I can't control the classroom because I can...a few times I snapped. Lately I've been sending the especially delinquent students into the hall in hopes that they will be seen and punished. We've also been practicing reciting their speeches for the Christmas show which is sort of a punishment in itself since they have to stand up in front of the room and recite to me. Which I noted makes some of them nervous when they are out of the safety of the group and their desks.

On Friday I'll make them use the microphone and present to the other students. Fun times.:)

So anyway, today I questioned my position as a teacher again. One student was in the middle of reciting to me when I hear "SHIT!" loudly from the back of the room. Of course it was one of the delinquent boys. Shocked at hearing this, I initially laughed... like when one laughs from nervous laughter. Which of course at first made my punishment useless. I told the perpetrator he had to go stand out in the hallway for using bad words in English and he proceeded to tell me that another student had stepped on "he." Which only made me smile more because of the grammar error. However, I quickly realized my mistake. I had to explain to all of them that T. Rhonda didn't think swearing in English was acceptable. I had to explain that the word shocked me and when people are shocked they sometimes laugh at things that aren't funny. *sigh* Some days I really feel like I am a bad teacher. Perhaps I should not have punished him for swearing either, I think it may make things worse. What is one to do? I know if I let it go I'll soon have bad words bouncing off the walls left and right.

on being assertive and another things...

2009-11-29T07:55:00.000-08:00

I've decided to take a break from my Chinese studies tonight and blabber away in this blog. I hate meeting with my tutor on Monday mornings because then I have to study over the weekend. My homework isn't that difficult, I have to memorize 15 vocabulary words and ten phrases. I've memorized the vocabulary- that's easy for me. The phrases however, are not so easy to master. A simple sentence like "Where are you from, or what are you here for" is translated a little backwards in Chinese. The what or where sometimes comes at the end of the sentence and I don't know what order to place the words in.:( Tomorrow will not be fun.

Thanksgiving was nice, albeit a little sad. We had a huge feast at work and I had a great time making turkeys with my youngest class. I did miss home though.

I had to work on Saturday to make up for the classes that were cancelled when some of my little darlings came down with H1N1 but it wasn't too bad. Saturday night I met up with a prospective language exchange partner. We had dinner and went to see District 9, which was violent but thought-provoking in its way.

Today I went to a Catholic church with a girl I met awhile back. I enjoyed the mass, it was mostly Filipino people and although I haven't been overly fond of Catholic services in the past, I felt that the message spoke to me. It was good to be back in church after so many months. It's funny, this week I've been extremely agitated because I realized that I still have a lot of internal work that needs to be done. I'm tired of feeling like my opinion doesn't matter. I'm tired of not being assertive enough and having people feel like they can tell me what to do, alter my opinion, or walk all over me. This has been going on for far too long ...I used to feel guilty upsetting people. I've improved on the assertiveness thing but still have far to go.

So ironically, part of the message at church today revolved around loving oneself and being assertive. The priest talked about people not loving themselves. People who allow themselves to be stomped on and belittled by others.

He mentioned that we ought to view ourselves as children of God and love ourselves enough to realize that we don't have to tolerate unfair treatment. I really enjoyed the service and I'll probably go back next weekend for a luncheon they're having. It's nice to meet new people as well.

Afterwards, I went to Costco for the first time in Taiwan with my friend and a guy from West Africa who was also very nice. We received a lot of attention...a Filipina, a blonde girl, and a talk black African guy...lol. People literally stopped and stared. It was entertaining. I enjoyed scarfing down a giant chicken caesar salad and some pizza from the cafe. Soooo tasty.

Later, I wandered around the city and attempted a little Christmas shopping. I saw an interesting street show (posted the video below) though of course I couldn't understand what anyone was saying...

On my way home I saw a little yellow face peeping out of a few bushes next to a bank. My heart melted. I stopped and played with the puppy for a little while, she was so cute and friendly. Tried to get her to follow me home but every time she attempted, she skittishly ran back to the bushes when other pedestrians came too close.:(

I then tried to pick her up and carry her but she flipped out and wriggled out of my arms. She'd probably never been held before. Sadly, I sat there for a little longer and then had to walk away. It broke my heart. I hate the fact that there are so many stray animals running all over the place. Here are the parting shots...:(

just for fun

2009-11-25T08:58:00.000-08:00

I found a program on my computer that lets me type in pinyin and pulls up the characters. Having some fun with this, because a million characters pop up and I have to figure out the right one! I need to find a program that lets me type in the tone along with the pinyin to make things easier.

This is my Chinese name:

米蘭達

This says: I am Mi Lan Da.

我是米蘭達.

This says: I am from the United States.

我是美國來的.

Isn't this so exciting?:D

Something funny happened on my way home from work today...I crossed the street and a bunch of teenagers were standing on the corner. They said "Hello" to me in English and when I said hi back they erupted into screams and fits of giggles.

It never ceases to amaze me how people sometimes respond to me here...

back on the scooter...

2009-11-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

So I managed to get my scooter started tonight. Within a span of ten minutes the following things happened:

I haphazardly made my way down our alleyway while a stray cat looked on, eyes huge with that deer-in- headlights look as I hurtled down the narrow path. I avoided doing damage to the feline and made my way skittishly out onto the road. I slowed like a very nervous elderly person at the turn, probably attracting attention since most young and youthful people around here (and actually, some elderly people too!) hurtle crazily through turns and red lights as well. I hit the gas and sped down the main road only to come to a stop at a red light a moment later and I couldn't remember if there was no right turn on red or not. So I just sat there stupidly while a couple sat on the bike next to me and whispered as they gave me crazy looks.

When the light turned, I weeble wobbled my way around the corner, gunning it again and contemplated if I should turn around and attempt to get gas for the scooter for the first time in my life. (Which would consist of maneuvering through a cement tunnel and pulling into the gas station first left after the tunnel exit without crashing into a pump and causing an explosion). As I was contemplating this a pedestrian decided to cross my path, seemingly having no cares in the world. I stopped the scooter in the middle of the road and he looked at me with an expression of pure confusion and raised his hand in a gesture of thanks, puzzled. Apparently here most people would have kept going and if the guy got hit it would have been his own fault. (I confirmed this with my roommate when I got home. She said that no one stops for pedestrians here. You either hit or swerve around them). Now, the fact of the matter is, this was ONE pedestrian at midnight, crossing a road. Can you imagine my response in broad daylight, as hordes of people, cars, and scooters fight for passage?

Anyway, after that, I was going to turn around and get gas until I saw the cop sitting on the opposite side of the street, probably waiting eagerly for me to do something idiodic. So I quickly turned down another road, heart pounding, and wimpily decided to head back home after a mere stroll around the block. I panicked for some unknown reason at an intersection near my apt and went down the one-way street (which apparently foreigners do all the time and get away with it) and crazily turned back into the alleyway, bumping along the path until I came to a stop along side the apartment building wall.

I got off my bike and stared at it for a few moments, contemplating what a baby drive it had been and debating going back out into the night.
I tell myself this is the week...I have to graduate to taking my laundry down the road and getting gas. My roommate suggested I take the scooter to the cobblestone shopping area in the heart of downtown over the coming weekend and grab some coffee. There are masses of people, cars, and scooters that traverse this area. I keep getting visions of accidentally hitting the gas, losing control of the bike, and running a whole line of people down as everyone screams in agony.

No, I am not ready for the journey into the pulsing masses, at least not yet. Taking my laundry down the road in broad daylight will be a feat in itself.

where i belong

2009-11-20T10:51:00.000-08:00

This is a question I've been asking myself a lot lately...where exactly do I belong? The truth is I am exactly where I am supposed to be! Questions such as this are useless I suppose, because at this time in my life I am doing precisely what I have to do. I know that I did not come here in vain. It really was a magnetic sort of pulling that drove me here.

In another brief fit of despair last night I forced myself to study more Chinese and felt a horrible, horrible sinking sensation at the end of the fake studying. I call it fake because I wonder if I'm learning anything!!!! I know I am not applying myself like I should. I'm trying, really I am, but nowhere near hard enough. Things just aren't sticking well. I'm going to have to adhere to a strict schedule and I won't allow myself any enjoyments until I accomplish my Mandarin goals for the day. The reason I feel this way is because I know that down the road if I don't master even basic Mandarin I am going to kick myself. I don't think God brought me here specifically to learn Mandarin but it's one of those things that I will be furious about later if I don't at least give it my full effort. Although giving it full effort would be enrolling in school full-time and unfortunately I can't do that because I have to work.
Where is my Taiwanese boyfriend when i need him??!!! *scowl*

I need someone in my life that refuses to speak to me in English. Every day, I need to talk to this person, even if I'm utterly confused and feel very stupid. Sometimes I think I should have searched for teaching jobs further south or central Taiwan but then a lot of people would be speaking Taiwanese, which is totally different from Mandarin. And it would be equally as interesting to learn but the truth is that Mandarin is of course the more logical language to learn because of massive China. Actually talking about all of this right now makes me feel on edge and I want to rip my hair out.

I went to see 2012 tonight. It was a really good movie but one of those movies that makes you extremely anxious. It was also horribly depressing at parts and I hope we don't have another earthquake anytime soon...

recovering

2009-11-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

It appears I may have had swine flu or something like it but I'm now in the recovering phase. The doctor sent me home late Thursday night with a plethora of pills and an order to come back for more swine flu testing if my fever didn't break. I'm feeling much better except now I can't rid myself of this horrid cough. It's rattling my lungs and making me feel pitiful with each wheezy breath. I stayed in bed all weekend and was useless. Ate soup, slept, and watched movies. I found a delightfully scandalous movie called Never Forever.

I thought about my life more. I thought again about how much I miss and should be going to church. I thought about where I'm going to teach next since unfortunately I may not be able to resign my contract because of the breathing problems I'm having here.:( Maybe if I move to central Taiwan or teach in the mountains I won't have this issue? I don't know. I'm considering Thailand, Indonesia, South Korea, or Japan if Taiwan and I have to part ways indefinitely come August. My eyes are focused more on South Korea and Japan. I really would love to work in Japan (I think) but I hear South Korea has a lot of perks. We'll see. Maybe, just maybe, I will find some magnificent job in California.

But...I don't know if my hunger for travel will be satiated by then. I may have to do this for some time yet.

The weather is getting cooler and rainier. Tonight I went out for a little while, to a cafe down the road to study Chinese and grab a sandwich. The weather reminded me of a fall day back home. It's strange not to be there.
But then, I wonder if it will feel like home again. In some ways, on some days, Taiwan is starting to feel like home. Albeit home with something missing.

The scary part is I know if I was home right now, I'd be overjoyed to see everyone...but after a few weeks, a month, I'd want to leave. There is something pulling me here, pulling me out into these far corners of the world. I can't explain it and I don't understand it.

when dreams come true

2009-11-10T07:02:00.000-08:00

As a young girl, I used to think about traveling the world. As the years passed, the desire became more intense. Sometimes I'd think about working on a cruise ship, becoming a photo journalist. Mom, do you remember the time I wanted to run away with the carnival?:)

For reasons unknown, there has always been this desire to explore far off places, to escape the mundane details of what I perceived as ordinary life. I don't mean to insult anyone-there are many people successful and happy who probably think the path I've chosen is reckless and immature.
In some ways, I admire people who live lives that I believe I'd suffocate in. I wish at times that I could have sustained happiness settling on a career, following a plan, getting married, raising a family. To find success in those areas is a great achievement anyone should be proud of.

But for me, I knew years ago that paths such as these were not mine to follow. At least not for some time.
Deep in my heart I think I secretly knew that the desire I felt would one day engulf all reason.

I tried to ignore it. I distracted myself. I focused on my relationship with my ex, told myself (naively) a degree in English would lead to an amazing career in publishing. I tried to act like a grown-up.

When the desire flared, I'd snuff it out...distract my thoughts. I'd tell myself I had to get married. I'd listen to certain voices say say that normal, responsible people can't just run off and travel the world, to think one could do such things was crazy. I'd feel the sinking sensation.

In times of desperation, I'd watch the Travel Channel. Samantha Brown was my heroine. Oh, how I wished I was her. I still do!:)

When my relationship of 7 years crumbled and the blinders came off, the desire flared up stronger than ever. For two years I toyed with the idea of teaching in Asia until finally I took a giant leap of faith and embarked on this journey.

So tonight I'm thinking back to those years of longing for more. I made one of my dreams come true. The question that remains is, what is one to do with a dream that becomes reality?

It's a strange thing. I got what I wanted. Now I'm not sure where to go from here. What am I supposed to do with this time I've been given? I feel a sense of urgency somehow, though really at this moment I have no deadlines.

I suppose I shouldn't look at it too closely and should just let it be.
One thing I do know-I think I'm only getting started.:)

Monday, Monday

2009-11-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

I think my body is trying to tell me something. Not only have I been looking haggard and sleepy lately, my stomach has been protesting alot. Over the weekend I disobeyed my doctor and overloaded on street vendor food...much of it was tasty and half of it wasn't so good for me...but the food that was good for me I overloaded with spice. I thought I had food poisoning Friday night and my stomach has been hurting ever since. But that could be because of my addiction to milk bubble tea. Another bad thing, lots of caffeine. My love-affair with it may have to come to an end soon. I try to be good, really I do. It's a culinary heaven here though and you can't walk two feet down the road without having some food temptation thrust into your face.

I honestly am surpised I haven't gained twenty pounds already with the way I've been eating lately.

Tonight at work we had an interesting dinner...yummy vegetables, pasta, chicken and rice stuffed inside bamboo. Very tasty...

I cracked down hard on my junior high kids today. No one was allowed to speak without raising their hands and we didn't play any fun games. We did reading and grammar. I also made them talk about customs for twenty minutes and lectured them again on the importance of learning languages, reassuring them that though they hate learning English now, they will be grateful one day. Even if they don't understand now how that will ever be possible.
I did feel bad though. There is one student who has failed to bring his essay to class. I gave him three chances and told him if he did not have it today we'd have to have a discussion with the boss. He did not bring it nor did he offer any explanation as to why he did not have it, so I had to walk him to T. Sharon after class. It was not fun seeing her discipline him and I didn't stay long.

I met with my Chinese teacher this morning. Over the weekend I bought a few more books. It was a little frustrating this morning because at this point I understand more than I can speak. At one point we were practicing saying what kind of fruits we liked and talking about things we wanted. I thought I was asking her if she wanted a watermelon but she started laughing and corrected the tone, saying I had just asked her if she wanted to bite a watermelon. Herein lies a big problem for foreigners. It takes awhile to get the tones straight. I asked her to give me a lot of homework so I can become more disciplined. There is never a dull moment here... :)

earthquakes and nunneries

2009-11-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

So yesterday we had two earthquakes while we were at work. The first one struck when we were all sitting down in the office. Barbara and Ryan jumped up and ran for the doorways (it was their first earthquake ever) and I just sat there wondering why the wind had grown so strong and was shaking the building so hard. lol. Hsinchu is known for crazy winds. Plus, everyone said before told that no one really feels them in Hsinchu. After I realized what was happening I sat there frozen, heart pounding. It's a weird feeling, the earth moving. Another one struck about an hour later. I had sat down after taking the elevator up. Barbara on the other hand was on her way up when it hit so she had the joy of feeling the elevator car shake back and forth. Fun times. I've been feeling mini aftershocks ever since. I hope we don't get another anytime soon!

Today was a bit rough. All of my classes were wild and my junior high kids made me pretty angry. After having a discussion with my co-workers about it (during which we agreed I had one of the most deviant classes this year) I went back and turned into monster teacher. I threatened to send anyone into the hall if they spoke one word and I forced them to open up their grammar books and complete the page in total silence. I really don't like yelling at the kids...I'm only going to be with them such a short time. However, when they are disrespectful it's not ok.

My biggest problem with that class is remaining a disciplinarian. I get so mad at them and then one of them says something completely funny and it's really hard to keep a straight, serious face. That's probably why they don't take me seriously as well.

Glad the day is over though! I went walking around a little bit tonight. During my trek through one of the mini-night markets I saw to my surprise an elderly nun walking in habit through the throngs of people. She was right in front of me so I hurried to catch up to her and said hello. She seemed a little surprised but was very polite. Her name was Anita and she came from Germany, she told me she's been in Taiwan for 43 years. Pretty amazing. She informed me there was a convent around the corner with a Catholic church. Even though I'm not Catholic, I'd like to check it out sometime. I miss going to church.

I went to the store and stocked up on paper and pens. I decided I'm going to try something with my younger students...I don't know how my bosses will feel about it but I'll find out. My youngest class is learning how to read and their little book they have to read a new series on every week is pretty boring. I decided I'm going to make up my own stories (with pictures), photo copy them, and hand them out. I might try it for my second older class as well, since we just finished our reading book.
I want to see how the kids respond to everything.

Lately I've been feeling again that writing books for kids/young adults is my calling. I have all this quiet time. I should use it solely for Chinese study but lately I've been questioning the real reasons I'm here again. I think God brought me here for many reasons. But I've been feeling like the key to unlocking the right door will be found just around the corner...

let me count the ways...

2009-11-03T06:28:00.000-08:00

After reviewing what I wrote in my last post, I realized it sounded a tad angry and bitter. I do not mean to paint such bleak pictures of Taiwan, in fact, it is a magical place. Albeit sometimes clogged with scooter fumes and the stench of stinky tofu and sewage but still magical, at least to me. It's a place where I'm growing stronger every day...in all areas of my life.

I feel the time has come to make a list again of the things I love about Taiwan. I can't believe I've been here for almost 6 months now...

-I love tofu, tofu of all kinds. Stinky, tofu skins, tofu with garlic, tofu with vegetables, tofu on sticks, tofu with strange things inside, tofu with black eggs on top. It's one of my favorite things to eat here and I'm sure I will continue a life-long love affair with it once I leave this island.

-I love that I am now a chop-stick pro and chose to eat my salad without a fork the other night...chose to use chopsticks not to try to be more Taiwanese and fit in but because they actually felt more comfortable than using a fork. If that is possible to understand. I was at home, in my own kitchen, and had a couple of forks in plain sight but reached automatically for the chopsticks. What does this mean?:)

-I love that people tell me don't worry about my lack of Mandarin, I haven't even been here a year yet. They reassure me that by year two I will start to pick it up. Even when I'm feeling ashamed and inept, esp when I see what a pro my roommate is after living here for only a year and a half, people are so nice about my poor Chinese skills.

-I love the whiny way my kids say "Teeaaacher." Even though I pretend to be angry. It has grown on me, and it has almost a singsong quality to it.

-I love my baby class. No matter how frustrating my junior high kids can get, my baby class is always there in the morning, so easy to control with just a red marker poised in the air- threatening to draw a sad red face next to their names. Their eyes get wide and they fold their little hands on their desks, quiet as mice.:)

-As much as I complained in the last post about the behaviors of some of the women here, it's also nice that locals have accused me of being Taiwanese- like when it comes to my shyness and manners. I don't mind in that sense because I'm glad to break the stereotype of the wild, loud American and it is flattering to be compared to them in a positive way. When Taiwanese people aren't on the road most of them are probably the nicest human beings I've ever met.

-I love teaching barefoot.

-I love walking around Hsinchu and taking in all the sights and sounds, love seeing couples holding hands under the twinkling lights at the city "moat."

-I love when every once in awhile, a toothless elderly man will look at me with a quiet mixture of surprise and confusion, and smile.

it's hard being a woman in Taiwan

2009-11-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

Before I launch into a lengthy discussion about why I posted that blog title, I'll talk about Halloween with my students. It was a fun day, an exhausting day. Since I have developed bad insomnia I've been lucky to get four hours of sleep a night. After hours of tossing and turning on Thursday, I woke up ten minutes before my Chinese tutor arrived and tried my best to make it through my lesson. Mandarin discusion will have to wait for another day however, because I could fill a whole post up talking about how idiodic I feel. I'm having such difficulty grasping this heartbreaking and mysterious language. Heartbreaking because I want so badly to learn and I keep having nightmares about utter failure.

Anyway, back to Halloween. I donned some angel wings and had a lot of fun with my youngest class. We made art projects and played games with all the younger kids. I was in charge of art projects and came up with a simple spider and pumpkin activity. They were so wild. It's a good thing we did trick-or-treating right before they left or they would have been even more insane during class. Trick-or treating consisted of Barbara, Ryan and I lining up, having the kids line up and visit each one of us saying "Trick-or-treat" as we dropped handfuls of candy into their little bags.

For our intermediate and junior high aged kids we watched movies and gave them candy at the end of their classes as well. I snapped a shot of my junior high class finally although they didn't like it and many of them hid from the camera. Overall it was a pretty fun time. :) Some pics:

I was so, so tired at the end of the day but people convinced me to go to this Halloween party that night. Lots of foreigners were there and I had an ok time, was semi-annoying though. Many foreign men here are like leeches, I find myself trying to evade them. Had an interesting time talking with two Taiwanese boys dressed up like a tiger and a pink bunny.

So on to my vent session...

Dating in Taiwan is confusing. Being a woman in Taiwan is confusing. Many of the local women act like helpless, weak beings, ready to drop at any moment. While I respect the culture, their behavior annoys me. Some of them can't even carry their own purses. When they are not worrying about gaining weight (and most of them weigh around 95 pounds) they are freaking out about their faces, slathering on anti-aging creams and whitening lotions. I realize this may sound a bit harsh...there are lots of Taiwanese women who are not like this so I don't mean to generalize.

However, the men can be even more maddening.   It's hard to tell when they are into you or not. Sure, I get a lot of looks but most men don't approach me or they laugh if they do. I've heard people say that the men here are very shy or haven't a clue when women are interested in them.

Well I had a date this weekend with this boy I met about a week ago. The date left me feeling drained and a little confused.    I didn't know exactly where we were going so I wore a skirt, some boots, a tank top, and a sweater. We ended up going to a nightclub where there was a Halloween party and a few hundred women scantily clad. I was pretty uncomfortable because of the way I was dressed and because of how crowded the place was. His brothers also came with us. Intially I thought they were nice but the older one was quite rude. I will explain in a moment...

Normally pretty shy around guys at first myself, I dragged my friend onto the dance floor. While it felt a little like being in a mosh pit, I think it helped break the ice. After some time we went outside for air and his older brother and older brother's girlfriend joined us a little bit later. Things were going ok until older brother asked me how old I was. I told him to guess.

Now normally, under most circumstances people guess my age between 21-25. I have my mom to thank for my youthful looks. However- lately due to weight loss, probably a too salty diet, and severe lack of sleep, my face has been looking a little haggard and I've noticed a few lines developing. I'm trying my best to remedy the situation. However, people should not call attention to it!

He guessed my age at 28 and when I acted a little surprised he launched into a speech about how white women age more quickly than asian women and told me I had lines around my eyes. It hurt my feelings but I was graceful about it...of course my friend was really upset and told his brother he was rude. Drunk brother apologized, attempted to remedy the situation by telling me all I need to do is get some eye cream and then I will look around 25. Nice.

He then proudly asked me to guess the age of his girlfriend (who of course was Taiwanese), who I will admit had gorgeous flawless skin. Politely (but I will admit somewhat passive aggressively) I feigned stupid and said "Oh I don't know, 19?" To which he replied "Ahh come on she is not that young."

I felt really uncomfortable...drunk brother had not been the most welcoming from the start. The funny thing is all of them (my friend and his brothers) lived in Australia for 18 years so I assumed they'd be pretty westernized. They even have cute Austrailian accents. I suppose they are westernized-to an extent. But one would think people would know what is/is not appropriate to say.

I've come to understand that politeness is a strange thing in Taiwan. People are *usually* polite to your face, but complete maniacs on the road, with absolute disregard for anyone but themselves. As I've mentioned before, people sometimes think calling one fat or old or wrinkly is ok, but then they won't tell you if you are doing something wrong in a friendship/relationship/or at work. They will avoid confrontation at all costs.

I've heard dating here is somewhat disconcerting and after my experience last night I can see why. It's very difficult to know where you stand and decipher the signals relating to if someone is into you or not. I heard it can take months before guys will make a move or let you know they are into you. Many of them expect the girls to make the moves-or so I've heard. Which is not going to happen on my end. Try as I might, I can't abandon the natural instinct I have to let men come to me. I refuse to chase.

I did enjoy spending time with my new friend and I would like to see him again but hopefully next time we won't have a whole party with us. If there is a next time.:/

Feeling slightly sorry for myself after coming home and seeing my haggard appearence in the mirror, I decided to go to the grocery store tonight and splurge on food items like tomatoes, salad, black olives and sushi. (Grocery shopping here is quite expensive, most people just get food off the street because it's much cheaper that way. Unfortunately, alot of that food is fried and loaded with salt and oil, though it's very tasty).

As I was perusing the imported shampoo/conditioner isle two young boys around 12 came up and started talking to me in mixture of Chinese and English. They appeared somewhat awestruck, to my slight embarrasment and asked me in Chinese if I was Meiguoren (American) and if I could speak Mandarin. I talked with them for a few moments. They told me I was beautiful and kept following me around the store. I think they said "bye bye" about 4 times and each time they'd reappear behind me asking me more questions, mostly in Chinese, a little bit in English. The problem is that I could understand a little of what they were saying but it's hard for me to reply...I swear I need to put a headset on my brain everynight and listen to Mandarin while I sleep.

Anyway, they were cute kids. Boosted my spirits a little after being told I was pretty much a wrinkled old hag. ;)

So yes, it is hard being a woman in Taiwan. It's a hard life the Taiwanese girls must adhere to (from what I've heard many of them become slaves to their husband's family once they get married) but it's also hard for foreign women to develop relationships here.
I'm thinking I may give up trying--not that I've really been trying.   I'm highly attracted to some Asian men but the emotional trauma isn't worth it. Guess we will see what happens. In the meanttime, I need to focus more on my future and finding my path.

adventures in Mandarin part II

2009-10-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

So my tutor gave me homework last time I saw her. I have to memorize BoPoMoFo, which is not difficult. She also wants me to memorize the symbols, which is a little more difficult but not so hard. Here is an example of a BoPoMoFo study sheet in my textbook (click on the pictures to see bigger versions)

I also have to study the beginning chapter of my textbook, which consists of a very basic conversation. However, at one point during our lesson she pointed at this (the book uses pinyin, BoPoMoFo, and characters) and asked me if I could read it:

Of course, my mind locked up. I can't read any Chinese characters aside from mountain, some numbers, and a few others. I decided tonight since I don't know if I'm going to stay longer than a year I just need to focus on getting the hang of the pinyin (the sounds, tones, and pronuncation romanized in a way non-native speakers of Mandarin can understand). It is unfortunate, but if I only stay until August I want to learn to speak as much as possible. If I decide to stay longer, I can always go back to reading and writing characters later. When I look at this (the Chinese words written in pinyin) I feel much more comfortable and I already know what many of the words in this simple passage mean:

I still want to kick myself for not having studied Mandarin in college. Ahh well...

I'm meeting with her again on Friday so I hope my brain cooperates and I retain all this very basic information.

Complexities...

2009-10-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

My moods have been going up and down quite a bit lately. Most days, I'm trying to live in the moment, make the best of the precious time I'm spending here. As I've said before, some days I berate myself more than others...for not having learned much Mandarin yet...for getting weird homesick moments...for not driving my scooter enough...for not writing as much as I'd planned...for not being a good enough teacher, etc. Other times I'm completely amazed at what I have done. Tonight I'm in a weird sort of mood...kind of having one of those love/hate relationships with Taiwan right now. Can't really pinpoint why I'm feeling this way. = Probably those female hormones.

Feeling a little melancholy for no apparent reason all day, my mood soured earlier when I realized how often I run for my life at crosswalks (or pretty much any time when walking around in town). Stupid to vent about, I know. But the light was green, the walking man was up showing it was ok for pedestrians to cross. Does anyone, anyone at all care about this? No. I almost got run over by a slew of scooters and some fancy cars.

On the bright side, I accomplished a baby triumph today...I cloistered myself in my room for 2.5 hours and feverishly wrote up a bunch of flash cards. Of random chinese words, some of which I probably don't need to know (such as sailboat, and pineapple juice) but nevertheless I'm glad I made some progress in regards to my Mandarin studies. I should be practicing BoPoMoFo right now, but deviant that I am, I'm choosing to ramble here instead.

So...my weekend was interesting. The guy my roommate's girlfriend wanted to set me up with didn't appeal to me as more than a friend...he was cute, but a little too loud for my liking. I met other interesting people though, made some new friends. I also liked meeting my roommate's friend Grant, we stayed overnight at his house. He is gay so it wasn't anything scandalous and he had two huge dogs that I loved. I miss dogs.:(

Anyway, the KTV was a little traumatizing and I sat there like a poop and refused to sing. Funny how I'm fine dancing in front of a crowd of people but try putting a mic in my hand and I want to crawl under a rock. I was feeling crampy as well and it was a little overwhelming. The guy they wanted to set me up with announced to the entire group (98% of whom were male) that I was single. Another crawl-under-a-rock moment. A random pic from the night...

Overall, it was fun though. I'm glad I went. I will admit I am jealous of my roommate's Mandarin skills (but, I have to tell myself she has been here a year and a half). At least I know some words. There are people who've been here many years and still can't say anything. So I suppose I should not compare myself.

This week should be fun at work...lots of Halloween activities and we will dress up on Friday. I found some angel wings at a store down the road... they were only about ten dollars. My kids wanted me to be an apple. :)

I know I keep taking videos of my youngest class, but they are easiest to manage. The older kids either freak out and refuse to look at the camera, or they act up too much. Here's another video I took of my baby class. There's this random CD I found in the office which has a few country songs on it. I love this song and the kids like it too...I added the howling part one day and it's stuck with them ever since.:)

days are flying...

2009-10-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

It's almost Friday here again! October 2009 shall be a memory soon.

My scooter is not working:( Don't know why and it won't even kick start. I'm going to have to wheel it over to the scooter shop down the street. Last week when I was ordering my usual fried egg rice the owner of the rice shop said someone wanted to meet me (his exact words were 'someone want to make friends with you') but was too shy to come over and talk to me himself. The scooter shop is right next door to the rice place and every time I pass it the people who own it say things to me in Chinese and laugh alot. Anyway, the owner of the rice place drilled me about my Chinese and ran off, returning with this guy who works at the scooter shop. The guy's father ( I can only assume that's who he was) came as well and stood off to the side, smirking the whole time. The guy was like "Yeah, they are making me talk to you. My name is Wallace" and we made polite small talk as he smiled and looked a little uncomfortable. I wonder how old he is. What's funny is in Taiwan children live with their parents well into their 30's. At least until they get married. The conversation was awkward, even if a little cute. But it will be even more awkward when I have to drag my scooter to the shop.

I had a pleasant surprise when I went into work the other day. I received the coolest birthday present from Jenny...it's a blanket covered with a bunch of pictures of family and friends. I love it. Of course, it made me a little teary eyed but it's wonderful.:D Thanks again Jenny!

I also met with my new Chinese teacher this week. She's really nice and I think it's going to work out well. I might try and talk the price down though...a little expensive. I'm asking her to give me homework because I need more discipline.

I was planning on staying in this weekend to do some writing and studying but my roommate and her girlfriend want me to go with them into Taipei tomorrow evening. They want to set me up with a Taiwanese guy...I'm not really feeling into anything like that this weekend (And I don't think I've ever been set up before!) but it might be fun. The not so fun part is KTV. Hopefully we don't end up doing it but if we do I'll try and make the most of it. I am not the greatest singer and I'm painfully shy speaking (let alone singing) in front of crowds. We'll see what happens.

some thoughts on teaching...

2009-10-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Some days I don't feel like I'm qualified for the job. I mean, really. Sure, I have a BA in English and worked as a pre-school teacher back in the states...but the fact that people trust me with teaching English to children varying in ages from 5-14 makes me nervous.

I constantly wonder if I'm doing a good job, if the kids like me, if my employers like me. We don't get a whole lot of feedback, though occasionally I'll have reminders to make sure they are learning syllables or to make sure I'm checking their workbooks thoroughly. Actually, I caught a little deviant in my Moon class (kids aged 8-11) erasing all the corrections I made in her phonics book a couple weeks ago. It turns out she was erasing my corrections and putting what she had before or messing the answers up even more and her mother was getting mad, thinking I wasn't a good teacher. From that moment on, I've made sure I correct the books with pen.
The child freaked out the first time she saw the red ink on her paper, vigorously trying to erase what I had corrected. I caught her in the act!

I'm confident teaching reading, poems, spelling. I am not confident teaching grammar to my older students. I hated grammar in college because really, we didn't learn grammar growing up. I mean, who really knows or cares what a dangling participle is???!! It's funny because I read recently that ironically most English majors don't know such things as this. Especially if one's major revolved around literature, like mine did.

Anyway, some days I feel guilty. Not qualified. My co-teacher and roommate assures me that as long as the kids are conversing with us in English, they're learning. I don't know. I just feel so unorganized, scatterbrained, and lost when it comes to teaching at times. I think I'm making some progress with my youngest class...but even with them I have doubts.

My good junior high class, Planet class (meet with them on Tuesdays and Thursdays) have been pretty ideal students. Though I feel they're very smart and probably wonder what exactly I'm teaching them at times!:) Anyway, I bought them all CoCo's (yummy teas) last week because they had been so good. Of course, my other classes found out about it and have been mumbling things on and off ever since. I told them if they behave and do their homework for three weeks straight they can have CoCo's too. We'll see.

I'm a little nervous about the big Christmas show coming up. My youngest class will sing three songs, which won't be that difficult to organize. My Moon class will be reciting "T'was the Night Before Christmas" with another class. My two junior high classes will have to write speeches. Which is what I'm most nervous about, because I have to first teach them essay writing. Which they completely don't understand. It is in times like this that I feel inadequate. Sure, I know how to write essays; I had to write a ton of them in college. However, explaining to this to children who think writing a paragraph consists of numbering sentences 1-5 and writing statements without using conjunctions-getting the concept across to them is going to be difficult.

Then, they have to memorize their speeches and recite them with feeling! Teaching them to recite with feeling is going to be another feat.

However, I have to have faith in them. And in myself I suppose. I continue to believe that God did bring me here for a reason and there is also a reason why I left Sansia and came to Hsinchu. I felt it from the moment I stepped into the school.

I hope my confidence in regards to teaching improves...

from the outside looking in

2009-10-18T06:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't pay attention to the stares. I just walk, taking in all the sights and sounds around me and ignoring the fact that many people will stop walking, point, laugh, etc when they see me coming. Most of the time, it's been cute and flattering. But this weekend I felt like a complete outsider. In fact, I felt like I had three eyes and antennae sprouting from my head.

Yesterday when I walked around town a bunch of high school kids stood on various street corners trying to convince passerby to purchase flowers for a fundraising project. I don't know how many young people I passed but 98% of them erupted into giggles when they saw me and most of them practically chased me down shouting "Hellooooo!! Please buy a flower!!!!" It was kind of cute but a little embarrassing. I ended up buying a sunflower from some very shy young men on the way home.

Today was a little surreal. I haven't mentioned this before but many Filipinos come over to Taiwan for work. From what I hear, they aren't treated the best and most of them only have Sundays off. The majority of them work in factories or as maids for relatively little pay but I guess it's still better than what they would make back in the Philippines. I heard they have curfews and are viewed as low class citizens here. Really sad, in my opinion. Like I said, I like Taiwan a lot but there are a few things that really bother me. Racism is one of those things.

Anyway, I went for a typical walk around Hsinchu and as I approached the city center and the moat I noticed the mobs of Filipinos out. Most of them were very friendly and a few spoke to me in English. At first it was cool but then I started feeling a little uncomfortable from all the stares. People would stop talking and point at me, a group of giggling girls came up and asked to take their picture with me because I was "So beautiful" (to which I replied, "No, you are beautiful") and while I was in my favorite little teahouse a couple smirked and fixedly watched me eating my soybean pods. They literally craned their necks out of their private tearoom to gaze upon my person. It felt really weird.

Now you might ask, why am I complaining when all this seems like positive attention? So much attention in fact, I should feel flattered and perhaps even goddess-like...

I have admitted before it's nice getting compliments and sometimes cute when people want to take a picture. However, I'm a normal person. It does get a little annoying not being able to eat in peace or walk down the street without causing a mini-commotion.

I found this little fountain in Hsinchu tonight which was pretty cool...one of those fountains set on a timer where every so often water shoots out with a dazzling light display. People stared at me there too but I tried to ignore it and enjoy the show.

On the way home a guy nudged his girlfriend when he saw me. She then tried tactfully to look without making it obvious but of course it was...then they both stared without shame.

I guess all this attention makes me feel guilty. I feel like I don't deserve any special treatment or celebrity-like status. It's also weird because sometimes(not that often) I get the extreme opposite...I'm met with complete hostility. Blank faces, no smiles, dirty looks from girls. This is rare however. What is wrong with me that I'm more comfortable at times with looks of anger than of adoration?:) I suppose I can understand why some are hostile about my being here and I can't understand when they make a big fuss.

and the beat goes on

2009-10-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

Yet another week winding to a close. Today was a slightly tiring day, my students were all pretty wild. I took a couple of videos of my youngest class (see below, the first one is short, the second is longer kinda boring. It's basically me drawing things on the bored and asking them what they ate while trying to keep them quiet. The quiet thing is a respect thing and I'm not being mean;) They look horribly bored but it's always this way the first half of class, they get crazy later!)

My older students tonight were way out of control. I had them get in groups again for a writing project we've been working on and the three delinquent boys in the class were saying all sorts of inappropriate things. I decided to sit next to them and "babysit" their group but it caused them to act up even more. It's hard, because they create a lot of chaos in the classroom yet they say such off the wall things it's very difficult for me to keep a straight face when reprimanding them. They mix up their tenses a lot and even though I'm not laughing at them, it sounds so funny. I really have to work on getting them under control though.

Tonight one of them asked me "Teacher why are your eyes like that?" And said something about my eyes being in or out so much and not looking like theirs. They've also been interrupting my teaching and saying things like "Teacher (so and so) said you are beautiful. (So and so) said you are sexy girl.." which is very inappropriate so usually I just ignore it or tell them not to talk like that.

Didn't do too much tonight. I wandered around and stopped at one of the street vendors because I had a craving for fried tofu and mushrooms. Bad, I know. They're oh-so tasty though and very spicy.
Let me say that another one of the best things to drink in the world is asparagus juice. I stopped and bought a bottle on the way home...it doesn't sound very appealing but it's soooo good.

Don't have any major plans for this weekend but sleep is sounding so good right about now...

night time scootering...

2009-10-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

So I decided that tonight was the night I wanted to practice scootering. I couldn't get the thing to start initially because it had been sitting so long. Barbara helped me kick start it, which of course I knew nothing about. We decided to take a quick ride around the block. I thought the roads would be pretty empty since it was around 10:30pm, but I was wrong. At a red light I had a moment of anxiety when I saw that there were still sufficient amounts of vehicles and pedestrians out and about. I almost turned back but decided to conquer the fear. Thankfully Barbara drove slowly. I can tell my biggest problems will be turning and backing out.

I narrowly missed a couple of pedestrians who were looking at me like I was slightly crazy but overall, the short ride went well. The adrenaline was intense and I can't even begin to imagine what it's going to be like once I graduate to taking the scooter out in broad daylight into the insanity.

Twenty minutes ago (It is now almost 1 am) I took it out again, retracing the route we had gone earlier but this time by myself. It went pretty well although at one corner a cop stopped (he still had his lights on from pulling someone over a moment before) and sat there and watched me while I turned the corner like a wobbly baby. I thought he would follow me and demand to see my license but nothing happened.

After that I got a little scared and came home. I think every night I'll practice until I feel comfortable enough to take on normal (meaning purely chaotic) traffic.

adventures in Mandarin part I

2009-10-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

So last night I met with my first languge exchange partner. It was really interesting. He's a nice guy but I know I need to hire a real teacher. Which, after a phone call I made today, it looks like I'll have starting next week with a lady who has taught foreigners Chinese before. I'm looking forward to having her as my tutor. She sounds very nice.

Back to my language exchange...

It was a little awkward because I met this guy through another guy while out at the bar one night. I'm not attracted to him at all so it isn't like one of those weird language exchanges I hear so much about here...the kind where people meet up for possible dating prospects. I thought it would be cool to hang out with him as a friend and practice my Chinese. I was considering having him as a tutor and even paid him last night (though it took awhile for him to accept the money) until I realized he didn't know what Pinyin was.   He laughed a little at my pronunciation and insisted that when people laugh here at foreigners speaking Chinese (which happens to me alot, like when I try to order milk bubble tea in town) it's because they think it's cute that we are trying to speak Mandarin.   I'm not so sure. We had a nice time chatting though and decided to meet once a week to practice.

One thing I haven't mentioned too much is the fact that while many Taiwanese are extremely nonconfrontational and polite, they are also very blunt. It is a huge contradiction. If they think you are fat, they will call you fat. Yet if you are doing something wrong at work, you may not realize it until weeks later when something is finally brought to your attention.

If you say something wrong (like a word in Mandarin), sometimes they will look at you like you are the biggest moron on the face of the earth for not understanding. My language exchange kept telling me how cute I was and then said "You are very cute, very cute. Not the best. But better than most." I wasn't sure what to think exactly. Back home, one would have expected "You are very cute." And that would be it. Not, "You are very cute, but not the best." :)

From what I undersand after having talked to my roommate, it's normal in this culture to pay compliments with a criticism as well. It's also normal for Chinese teachers to tell all the students in a class that they stink and single out one student as their favorite, the one who is "so much better" than all the others. The thing is, many times individuals don't view actions such as these as offensive unless a foreigner makes it known. From what I've seen so far, the culture thrives on competition but also in not letting one's head get too inflated.

It takes some getting used to.

I practiced a little BoPoMoFo (learning how to pronounce sounds in Mandarin) with my roommate tonight. I have to come up with a fake Chinese voice...the voice I will use when attempting to speak the language. If I try speaking Mandarin in my normal voice, it's not high pitched enough and of course sounds very westernized. And difficult for others to understand. I need to sound angry! The reason why everyone sounds angry when speaking is because of the fourth tone, which is a sharp, quick tone.   So many times I've thought people were fighting but really they were just holding casual conversation!:)

My language exchange partner told me some days he wishes he would wake up and only know English. It was sort of sad, the fact that he didn't care about knowing his native language.
I told him I've had moments here where I say "God, please let me wake up tomorrow and be fluent in Mandarin.   Thank you."

He told me many Taiwanese get very ashamed about not knowing English. However, I feel I am the one who ought to feel ashamed. They are not living in The United States but I'm living here. It's crazy that so many people on the other side of the planet feel that they have to cater to those who speak the English language. Of course, I know the reasons why English is such an important language, but the whole thing makes me feel strange.

misty, mysterious weekend

2009-10-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

So I woke up early Saturday and made my way to Yehliu Geopark. It was a dreary, drizzly day but I thought naively that the rain would stop. Getting there was somewhat of a challenge. No one could understand what I was saying at the bus station. Even when I took out my Lonely Planet Taiwan guide and pointed to the pictures. One man confidently scribbled some Chinese characters on a slip of paper, mumbled a few random English words, and happily handed me the paper. Assuming all was coherent. I smiled and nodded stupidly. After a few vain attempts trying to understand him, I decided to take the wimpy way out and hail a cab. I thought the driver knew what I was talking about but he took me to Tapei 101 building. After some more strangled conversation we went to a hotel where the doorman understood perfectly well where it was I wanted to go. I said the same word to the driver about five times but apparently I must have mispronounced a tone somewhere.:/

After a slightly crazy car ride and a kindergarten drawing of an ocean with alienish shaped rocks (this made the driver laugh) I ended up at the Geopark. It was raining and I had to buy a poncho, but excitedly I wasted no time. The park is a truly magnificent place. I'd never seen anything like it and despite the rain, the bizarre landscape next to the ocean held me captivated. The rocks are all shaped strangely due to erosion from the wind and the sea. I wandered around, getting in trouble once from a park patrol guy for crossing a red line (apparently crossing the red lines might lead one to fall off the small cliffs into the ocean). He blew his whistle, yelled some things in Chinese, and said "Red line!!" (more pics are posted in my pictures section)

It wasn't so crowded when I first arrived, but as the winds tapered off the tour groups began to arrive. Shortly after, I left and went to the nearby Ocean World where I saw a cute dolphin/whale show and a strange water/daring acrobats act put on by what appeared to be a group of caucasian males and a mix of asian and caucasian females.

The rain continued, but I figured by the time I arrived at my hostel in Jioufen it would stop. I was completely wrong. Not only did the rain not stop, it became monsoon-like. The cab driver could not find the bed and breakfast and he backed up, turned around, drove like a maniac on the foggy, wet, and narrow mountain roads. I found myself praying for my life once again-something I do quite often while in cabs or riding other motorized vehicles here. He grabbed my paper (I had the directions written in Chinese) and somewhat angrily called the owner of the hostel who met us a short time later.

The owners of Seapoint bed and breakfast (Dave and Jane) were very nice. After I retired for a long nap, they took me out to dinner and I sampled some strange new (but delicious) foods including a gelatinous black egg. The rains continued all night and into this morning. I sat up last night and attempted to do a little writing but found myself overcome with homesickness at one point. After a quick phone home, it passed.

This morning Dave talked to me for quite some time about the years he and his family spent in South Africa, how he learned English, cultural barriers, how "brave" I must be, how I need to find a Chinese boyfriend. He showed me some photos and a tour book and insisted I should visit Cape Town so I'm thinking I will have to make a stop in South Africa before I return home to Chicago.

Highly disappointed that I didn't see much of the amazing mountain/sea views surrounding the hostel and the magical city of Jioufen, I'll have to make a trip back up the mountain again in the near future. I predict it will become one of my favorite places in Taiwan.

a shiny year...

2009-10-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official. I am now in the last year of my twenties. I can't believe I turned 29 yesterday, it's crazy. Luckily I inherited good genes and most people still guess me at 25 or younger. I get it from my momma.:)

I had a nice day. I made my baby class make birthday cards for me. It was a good way to get them practicing writing! They also sang to me immediately when I told them, so it was very cute. My co-workers told their classes it was my birthday and I was suprised at all the birthday cards I got from random children I didn't even know.:D Some of the cards- (one of my students guessed my age at 25) :)

In one of my other classes the students sang Happy Birthday to me in Chinese. My good junior high class had turned out the light and shouted "Happy Birthday" when I walked into the room. They also wrote it all over the white board in Chinese.:)

To top off the workday I had a lovely birthday dinner (Teacher Sharon makes a few of your favorite things) and then I was spoiled with a delicious gourment birthday cake. I ate soooo much, I felt like I was going to explode.

Last night I went to the Red bar down the street and hung out with a few people, nothing too exciting though I met more interesting human beings.:)

I'm excited about this weekend. I'm going to wake up early and attempt to go here. I'm hoping to spend a few hours there walking around. Then I'm going to head to Jiufen where I booked a night at one of the bed and breakfasts. If the weather is foul, I may just stay overnight in Taipei. We'll see. I'm looking forward to spending the weekend alone. Not that I don't like my co-workers, it's just that I've felt the need to head to the ocean again.

I booked my ticket into Taipei in advance. (Have to take a bus from Taipei to get to the other places). Tomorrow is Double Ten Day, so everything is going to be a little chaotic. I'm hoping I can get a bus ticket.

So wow...29 years -old. I've decided I'm going to make this year my shiniest yet...

birthday eve

2009-10-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

A few people have been asking me why I haven't been blogging as much lately. The answer is: sometimes life here gets so overwhelming that there's just too much to say and I don't have the mental energy to sit down and sort it all out. However, I will try my best to keep updating.

I mentioned in the previous blog that Moon Festival had taken place last Saturday. There are many legends surrounding the holiday and it is a very special one in Asian culture. I found myself in a very good mood. It reminded me a little bit of our 4th of July back home. Friends and family gather outside their shops and apartment buildings barbecuing and enjoying being together. To my astonishment I ate two hamburgers and one hot dog. Scott, an American man who has lived in Taiwan for many years now, recently opened up an American-style restaurant with his wife here in Hsinchu. His burgers remind me of my dad's. So dad, you'd be proud of me...because as most of you know back home, I rarely eat beef.

Later that night I went to a Moon Festival party and met some new and interesting people. Since then, the week has been flying. Tonight Barbara showed me a taco/burrito stand and I wolfed two burritos down! Haven't had Mexican food in quite some time. She also showed me this stand where they make interesting deserts. We ordered peanut butter, chocolate, and bananas all wrapped up in this crispy tasty shell.

So tomorrow is my 29th birthday. It's crazy and a little scary. What's interesting though is the fact that even though it's my birthday here in Taiwan, back in the United States I'd still be 28 for a little while longer.:) Time traveling is possible after all.

I'm not sure how I feel about it exactly. All I know is it's my last year in my twenties and I'm going to try and make it the best one yet. I also feel like this year is going to unveil a lot of important things.

decisions, decisions

2009-10-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've changed my blog yet again.
I just wasn't feeling the titles of the others. I tried the import function but for some reason it isn't working,so I could not move the previous blogs into this one.

Taiwan is an amazing, beautiful place from what I've witnessed so far. It is also full of not so pretty things. In this blog I'm going to focus on all aspects of my experiences here, including what goes on internally.

A close friend of mine and I have had recent chats about butterflies. I don't know how many of you are aware of this amazing fact, but caterpillars pretty much become chemically liquidated and "die" while in the cocoon. They must go through this process so as to change into those fluttering, ethereal creatures.:)

In order to discover some deeper truths, I had to leave life as I knew it behind. At times the process has been painful and confusing, but slowly I'm transforming into a woman I didn't know I was capable of becoming.

So welcome to my new blog. And thank you to my friend across the ocean for inspiring this title.