it's all come down to this...

So tonight I've decided to do something different.  Through the writing of this blog I've been repressing loads of feelings.  I guess I felt that this should be more like a travel blog, giving information about Taiwan (though I've deviated from that quite a lot, haha) instead of intricate details about about my life.  But the truth is, this blog is about a journey. 

I can't hold back any longer. 


Confession #1

For a vast number of years I've suspected I've had some type of anxiety disorder.  I  also suspect I know what it is, (though I really hate labels) but until I get an official diagnosis (which I've yet to do) I won't put it in words here.  Instead, let's just say that I've my ups and downs with it.  Coming to Taiwan was an attempt to get over some of the fear.  And for awhile, it helped.  I was growing stronger, braver.   Confident.  For one of the first times in my life, I felt really confident.  I felt happy.

I don't know if it's the stress of the future, reminders of the past, or worries about the present, but my anxiety has come back full-force, stronger than ever before.  It's messing with my head.  I don't feel like myself, I feel out of it, on the verge of something-maybe a breakdown???  This is one of my lowest moments when it should be one of my highest!!! I keep thinking about how people lose their minds and I pray to God this isn't happening to me. 

I suppose this is all my anxiety.  At least I hope it is.  I know I have to be strong, and think of the positive things that are happening in my life.

I got a job in Nantou for the start of the fall and I'm really excited about it!  I'll be closer to the mountains, away from the city.  More time to reflect.  Hopefully my future employer never sees this blog, haha.:)

Moving to the middle of nowhere could be a bad thing for someone like me-someone who lives too much inside their own head.  However, I believe that it's meant to be and I think I'll be very happy at my new school.  The owners seem really nice and I'm excited about the prospect of taking up photography and venturing into the field of serious writing.  I am tired of living in the city.


Confession #2

It seems that when I get too close to a guy (which has only happened one other time in my life) things go out of whack until a certain level of reassurance is reached.  I start the whole crap-cycle of self-doubt and pulling up every possible thing that could be wrong with me.  It's almost as if I present my worst self.  Why is this?!!!  I don't know why I torture myself this way.  It's almost as if I want to justify the reasons why I should be alone, why I shouldn't get close to anyone.  And I've felt over the past year I've grown really close to someone; someone who I'm so grateful for but worry about pushing away with my  fears.

But I realize, in truth, if this were to happen - life would go on.  As I told a coworker today, being alone isn't the worst thing in the world, there are much worse things I suppose.  Sometimes the quiet life of a nun-like woman sounds so appealing to me.

Confession #3

This may seem miniscule but I have been hiding from quite a number of people the fact that I got a tattoo when my brother was in Taiwan.  I had been thinking about getting a tattoo for awhile, and one night after he decided to do so, I joyfully joined in and had something etched into my skin.  At first I was elated.  However, after a few days my neurotic side set in and I freaked out, realizing this THING was forever on my body.  For some reason I started freaking out about the translation and had it confirmed...my tattoo didn't read quite exactly what I'd wanted it to.  My well-meaning Taiwanese friend had translated it wrong.

So instead of "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly" being transcribed, I have "What is the end of a caterpillar's world? Those who can govern their lives call it a butterfly."

This seriously depressed me.  Ridiculous? Perhaps.  But the original quote had meant so much to me...it's been a mantra of sorts as I march on in this life.

I decided to look into laser removal on the lettering.  I had one session (was slightly painful) and haven't seen much fading.  Decided to keep the butterfly and who knows, I may keep the text now too.


So there it is.  I haven't felt like blogging much lately because my thoughts are so jumbled and I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be at the end of my first year in Taiwan.  Stronger in some ways, more fearful in others.  I guess I thought this place would fix everything.

I'm hoping this is just part of the process...and not a descent into lala land.

Until next time.